Tag Archives: advice

A Somewhat Rambling Post On Turning 35

January 23, 2017 By in Personal Growth Tags: , , 2 Comments

In March, I’ll turn 35 years old. Kinda crazy to think about. I still feel like I just entered my thirties, the decade so many people told me would be the best of my life. So far, that’s been true for me. All those cliches about getting older were validated – you’re more confident in your own skin and you give less sh**s about what other people think. I’m still working on the comparison game however; it’s hard for me not to look at folks my age who have high-powered careers and families, and wonder why I’m eating frozen burritos in my apartment with no kitchen.

But the thing is, while I can compare myself to other people my age, I also realize I made the choice to be a writer – to follow this path where nothing is predictable and quality work doesn’t always correlate with dollar bills. I knew full well that making solid money from this wasn’t the primary goal. And the truth is, knowing I have this deep passion for storytelling and that I’m trying to pursue it as a career is way more valuable to me than a six-figure paycheck. (Though I eventually want that, too!). I like to think that the longer and harder the journey, the sweeter the success will feel when I get there.

I feel excited about turning 35. It feels substantial. I feel substantial.

So, I find it somewhat hilarious that in an interview with Howard Stern, Donald Trump talked about women’s ages and said: “What is it at 35, Howard?” Trump wondered aloud. “It’s called checkout time.”

I can’t formulate a better reply to this than writer Michelle Ruiz’s in her Vogue article, On Turning 35, the Age at Which Donald Trump Dumps His Girlfriends.

Here’s how she reacted:

But, upon further consideration, I think Trump is exactly right. Women at 35 are “too experienced.” Too experienced to see themselves as a man’s possession to be “checked out” on. Too experienced to constantly second-guess themselves and whether or not they deserve their compliments, their jobs, or their promotions. Too experienced, for sure, to sell their souls to Oompa Loompa–color sugar daddies with penchants for pussy grabbing. Today, at 35, I’m largely out of fucks to give, and, to borrow a phrase from Trump, as “nasty” as I want to be. I’m more willing to speak my mind than ever, and I care significantly less than I did 10 years ago about what other people think. And, as a bonus, I like my body and my bank account balance better now, too.

A little life experience will do that for you. Many 35-year-old women, myself included, have been around the block, or even the whole neighborhood. We’ve been dumped, disregarded, laid off, and underestimated; made mistakes, taken chances; failed miserably; in some cases, even hit rock bottom. We’ve lost friends and parents and found a little more of our ourselves. (Lose a friend in his 20s, or see a college classmate lose her toddler son to cancer, and suddenly, complaining about a 35th birthday loses its fun). We’ve gone from assistants to bosses, gotten married, birthed babies, or done none of the above, and discovered our own resilience all the same. If this makes women of 35 undesirable to Trump, or anyone else, then, as fellow 35-year-old Beyoncé would say: Boy, bye.

That’s one of the great things about being in your 30s – you don’t have time for people who find you undesirable or unworthy. You know to never settle for people who don’t fully support you. As our first President so wisely said:

“Associate yourself with men of good quality, if you esteem your own reputation; for ‘tis better to be alone than in bad company.”

-George Washington

How to Drive People Crazy On Facebook In Your Thirties (and Not the Good Crazy)

September 19, 2015 By in Friendships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Sure, we’ve referred to the thirties here at OMG I’m Thirty as the “giving zero fucks” decade, but occasionally, it helps to give a fuck. If you’ve achieved the holy grail of giving zero fucks in your thirties, maybe skip this social media post.

However, my fellow still-fuck-giving-thirty-somethings, we’re the Facebook generation (and now the Instagram and Snapchat generation (because we’re cool enough to keep up with the young kids’ technology)), and we have a responsibility not to completely and utterly drive each other crazy on social media. You know it happens, I know it happens, and we might as well talk about it happening. We’re the generation that had social media foisted upon our otherwise Wow-I have- A-Real-Life-Computer lives. And now social media is everywhere and we can’t get away from it (well, we can, but that requires the willpower of an olympic athlete and/or the home set-up of a cave-dweller).

So without further ado, here’s a rant about the latest and greatest social media that has everyone I meet annoyed. (Disclaimer: most of this is a joke. Sort of. #KiddingNotKidding.)

  1. The Humble Brag– I think most people are guilty of this one, including myself. Think about how you’d react to something yourself before you post it. Putting up photos of yourself holding wads of money and writing: “when you want something bad enough and you put it out there, all of the universe conspires to help you” annoys most people. This was recently a real post from one of my Facebook friends. I hope she isn’t reading this.
  2. The Gym Selfies– “Can’t stop, won’t stop”, “Go ahead tell me that I can’t and I’ll show you that I can.”, “They said she couldn’t, she said watch me.” Okay, we believe you can. Can you just go do it and stop letting us know? Sigh.
  3. The Million Baby Posts- This one doesn’t really annoy me, but some of my friends have de-friended people for it. No more than a few photos of your baby a week, unless the baby was just born, please. And ‘a few’ is generous. At the very least, make an album and put them all up at once.
  4. The Vague Negativity Posts: “Ugh…”, “This has been the worst day :(“, “The darkness surrounds me.” These are intensely negative yet unspecific posts, and they scream ‘attention seeker!’ At least tell us what happened in the original post so we don’t have to ask! Or wait.. was your intention for us to ask? And please don’t reply after we ask: “I don’t want to talk about it.” Just no.
  5. The Non-Humble Brag: “I have the most amazing boyfriend ever!” “I’m so lucky I’m in Paris with my magnificent boyfriend and the cutest dog ever…here are all my photos!” “I have the best job that you’ll never get and I just got a raise!” Okay, we’re probably all guilty of this one in not so many words. But try to be conscious of all the green-eyed monsters this will awaken in your Facebook friends. If you post more than 2 brags a week, you’re cut off.
  6. The Bait and Switch: “Sometimes when no one’s looking I like to cover myself in Nutella and roll around on the carpet.” Woh, really?! But when I like or comment on your status you tell me ‘Psych! This is to raise awareness for Green And Blue Strep Throat Syndrome Disorder. Now you have 24 hrs to paste this post as your status or you’re a terrible person who doesn’t support the cause.’ Oh nooooooo you didn’t!!!
  7. The “I’m Gonna Leave Facebook, Goodbye World” post. Just leave, please. Go silently into the dark night. The world will keep turning. It’s very likely I won’t notice you’ve left.
  8. The Plethora of Selfies. I really don’t like selfies unless they have someone else in them…or unless they’re at least showing off a cool background. Maybe once or twice in a little while you can indulge your selfie obsession… but not all the time. This is super duper extra bad if it also falls into the Gym Selfies category… and I have a feeling I’m not alone in this. Pun intended. Please tone it down. Ugh…
  9. The Random Invite.  We haven’t seen each other in 7 years and you’re inviting me to your Best Gardener Award Ceremony in Spokane, Washington. Really? I’m obviously not gonna be there, I live in New York and you’re not really my friend. Come on now.
  10. The Constant Positivity Poster – “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” “You can do anything if you put your mind to it.”Do what makes you happy.” Shut up. We get it. You’re happier than me. Ughhhh… whyyyy???
  11. The Do-Gooder Evangelist: “If you’re not a vegan you’re going to hell.” “Candy and makeup are full of toxic chemicals and you’re gonna shrivel up, get terrible pimples and cystic acne and die soon, horrible make-up wearing candy eater.” Sometimes I love beautiful vegan touting posts, or posts promoting clean eating or animal welfare. But they need to be worded wisely and non-judmentally. Tread lightly. Not everyone is as saintly as you. Take pity on us mortals.

So that’s what I have for now. Haha, I’m gonna go humbly brag about this post on Facebook now. And then maybe post something politically polarizing.

What drives YOU crazy on social media?

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Portrait of a Thirty Something: Amy Adams

August 1, 2015 By in Grab Bag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Our next Portrait of a 30-something is my friend and former roommate, Amy Adams. Amy is a world traveler as well as a travel blogger. She recently got back from an epic trip around the world where she went to Israel, New Zealand, Hawaii, Oslo, Turkey, Barcelona, and Athens all in the span of two months. She did it all for less than $4500 for TWO MONTHS away in over 7 countries including flights, lodging, food, and any tourist activities and souvenirs, so she’s a great person to talk to about going on an amazing trip without breaking the bank. Amy writes about her world trip and all of her travels on her blog, This Borderless World.

Amy formerly worked as a concierge in a hotel. She was also a flight attendant. She’s had travel in her blood for quite a long time. But this summer, Amy has been the queen of staycations. She’s walked almost every New York bridge from the Queensboro to the Brooklyn to the George Washington this summer, and she’s also constantly inspiring me by going out and exploring a new area of the city, or a new museum, or even a new cemetery! She just never stops!

Read more below about a 30-something who proves that life never has to be boring and that there’s always more to explore!

Name/Age/Location: Amy Adams/31/Queens,NY

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What’s the accomplishment you’re most proud of in your 30s so far? 

When I was 19, I came to the US with no plan, minimal possessions, very little money and the most excited, motivated, positive and enthusiastic attitude imaginable! The possibilities were endless and I was tremendously excited about being in the country of my dreams.
In hindsight, I love that free spirited, fearless, independent girl who did what she wanted, listened to her own inner voice and was never discouraged. After almost ten years of living in the comfort and security that a traditional life offers,  I’m doing a complete 360 and wanting to revert back to that solo traveling, wanderlusting free thinker! I like her better than the make-up wearing, brand name clad, conventional girl I became. My 30’s reiterated in the clearest way possible that life is fleeting… so live your truest life. I’ve wholly embraced this new (or rather old) concept and I’m very excited about where this takes me.

What do you NOT miss about your 20s? 

My 20’s were exhilarating and thinking back on it now is exhausting but worth it! Circumstances lead me as far north as Vermont, and then to the Deep South for a few years. Then I lived up and down the eastern seaboard until finally landing in my dream city! I wish I had arrived sooner but I wouldn’t trade my experiences for anything in the world!

Looking back, what shouldn’t you haven’t been afraid of in your 20s? 

I’ve never had a nuanced existence- people either loved me or hated me. For the longest time I tried to reach this middle ground… which can only be described as “normal.” But I realized very quickly that I don’t do normal. Thinking about getting insurance or wondering when I should do my laundry or feeling the need to rush home and watch tv (instead of experiencing life) makes me sad. I was a risk taker in my 20’s and I miss that fearless, rebellious, and independent spirit! Everyone keeps saying you need a plan and you need a goal but I’m opting to live in the moment! No goals, no plans, no expectations, no limitations!

Any surprises about what your 30s are like? 

My 30’s have been incredibly edifying. I’ve been waiting for a while now to get excited about wanting adult things like a home, family, car, and a two week vacation. But I’ve come to realize that is not the life I want or the one I was meant to live. I’m one year in and I’m more optimistic and invigorated than I’ve been in years. I’m embracing my identity as a nomad. I feel younger, more energetic, humbler and psyched for a future unknown!

What do you find most challenging about this decade? 

At first I abhorred social media and believed it eliminated the possibility of establishing any type of relationship organically. Now I’ve come to realize it’s in fact enhanced the chances of meeting more people and making meaningful connections. It’s all a matter of perspective. Social media can be used for good or evil… which is empowering.

What are you most looking forward to? Be it tonight, next month or ten years from now! 

Living in the moment- every moment! And never ever letting other people’s ideas of a proper and perfect life affect my idea of my perfect existence. I also know there are like minded folks out there with similar unconventional attitudes and I’m excited to meet them!

What would you like to hear more about regarding the thirties? What articles would you like to read? 
I’d love to read about unique 30-something year olds who follow their own paths no matter what. I want to see people who listen to their hearts and drown out all the naysayers! I’m especially interested in those who “didn’t succeed” (according to societal standards) but are still on their own true path! I regard the persevering types as the most successful, interesting and inspiring. The most influential people on this planet died poor without a ton of support. They really are the wealthiest of all for they’ve truly taken ownership of their lives. That type of wealth can never be squandered!
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There Were 10, now 6, then 3…Friendship in Your 30s

July 15, 2015 By in Friendships Tags: , , 4 Comments

Today, I got to thinking about the “oldest” friends we all have, and friendships in general after my fiancé told me about his fantasy football league. Let me explain. Basically, the leader/organizer person (I know nothing about fantasy football) had decided to shut down their decade long running league because he was having a child and had too much responsibility. My fiancé, understandably, was sad. These were tons of his old college buddies who were spread across the country, and this online game was a way to connect to them. Even though I have no ties to the team and have no clue how one would even play ‘fantasy football,’ it made me sad to hear about a group dissolving. I always feel sad when a group of mine dis-integrates – from a book club ending to summer pot lucks winding down when the season ends….

I started thinking about how in our 30s, our close friend group gets smaller and smaller, until we realize someday that we’ve ended up with a circle much smaller than in our 20s. There are the obvious reasons for that: getting married and settling down, having children, job responsibilities, etc. But I believe we all need lots of different types of love in our life – and a few people cannot sustain or fulfill all those needs. All of our primary, most supportive relationships must have buoys and support around them. In the same way it’s been said that “it takes a village’ to raise children, it takes a group of people to sustain our deepest relationships. Your marriage or closest friendship gets oxygen from mutual friends, from family visits, and from the outside interaction you get at places like work.

I speak to a lot less friends than I did when I was 25. About half less I would say. The bright side is that I feel the quality of these remaining friendships has improved. They’ve been through the ups and downs with me. The past July 4th weekend, I got to have long conversations with old high school and even (gasp!) elementary school, and it made me incredibly happy and left me feeling physically lighter. Our friends can help us carry our loads.

So what do we do with less friendships in our 30s? Obviously, we hold onto the ones we love with a vice grip! But we must always be open to new friendships, coming at any age. Your next ‘soul mate’ friend could be just around the corner. Sometimes I feel like we’ve been taught that we would have met all our best friends in the world by now. But maybe that’s only encouraging us to keep ourself guarded. Instead, maybe we should always keep out heart opens to new friends – even with the new responsibilities the thirties place on us.

How To Move In Your Thirties- Part 1

July 9, 2015 By in Grab Bag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

If you’re moving in your thirties, there’s probably something tumultuous happening in your life. At least that’s been my experience with moving. But then again, that was my experience in my twenties too. So I guess moving is usually accompanied by some kind of major upheaval, no matter what your age.

I hate moving. I hate it more than almost anything. I practically have to be dragged out of a place in order to leave it. Yet, I guess life is pretty good at dragging me out and keeping me moving, because I’ve moved 8 times since college (I actually had to count my moves multiple times because the number seemed so high). So I guess I should be quite the moving authority by now.

Since I’ve changed places so many times, I guess I have a couple of moving moves I use over and over, even if I don’t really feel like a total expert at moving because I hate it so damn much. I actually think that moving only felt harder in my late twenties and start of thirties, because I want so badly to stop and call a place home for as long as possible. So I’d like to share a few tips that will hopefully make your moves less harsh than mine have been…or at least somewhat smoother. Here’s a few I’ve learned the hard way:

1) The emotional part is hard- embrace it and move on

One of my moves happened because I went from living with roommates to living with a boyfriend. I loved my place with the roommates and was very attached to my huge room. My boyfriend at the time said to me: “But the room you’re in is only a box. It’s just a box of space. We’ll find a new box of space to live and we’ll make it home.” At the time, it felt like a harsh and almost cold thing to say. However, those words have stuck with me throughout my future moves. Where you live now is only a box. It was once cold and empty and it will be cold and empty again one day. You will find a new place to live and you’ll be the one to make a home for yourself. The place won’t be able to make you a home. It never could. it’s only a box.

2) Craigslist is awesome, but sometimes it helps to phone a friend

I love Craigslist. I used to use it for everything, even jobs (though now the jobs area seems to have become somewhat of a sketchy operation so I don’t recommend it anymore). I do still love the apt listings on Craigslist though, and I found all of my roommates through the site. For my last move, however, Jane actually gave me the number of her former broker, who was amazing and found me the place that I’m in now. I never would have found my apt without her. Let friends know you’re looking for a new place to live- a lot of times someone will have a recommendation, or a great broker, or at least know a friend of a friend who’s moving.

3. Get movers. Get movers. Get movers.

I can’t repeat this one enough. Moving is tough enough without having to drag your bed and dresser up 4 flights of stairs. This is one of those times where you need to throw money at the problem- budget it in. Even if you barely have much money (I’ve been very stressed about money in the past, but I still budgeted for movers because I’ve also moved without them before and it’s been AWFUL). Movers are worth every penny. Here’s a recommendation for my favorite movers if you’re moving to or within New York City.

4. If you’re renting, or even buying, especially in a bigger city, be ready to move fast

New York apartments are truly here and then gone in a New York minute. Other large cities are likely to be similar. If you really like the place, put down the deposit and say yes. I ‘ve actually looked at places with a check in hand for roommate situations. Shopping for homes is a little different with brokers and full apartments or houses, but you need to be ready to commit ASAP, or you can lose the place to someone else.

5. Make a top 5 list of what you’re looking for in a home.

Try to keep the list under 6 items tops. Your list should be what you REALLLY don’t want to compromise on in a home. There was one time where I was looking for an apartment and kept subwaying around to dozens of places and checking them all out in person. It was exhausting. A friend said to me, “you should narrow down what you’re looking for BEFORE you go and see the apartment. Try to make sure it has what you want as early as you can, and THEN go trek over and check it out.” This advice has helped me IMMENSELY…in fact, it might be the best tactic I’ve ever used to help me find a better apartment faster. Here’s my old list as an example:

  1. Must be near the subway (ideally under a 10 minute walk)
  2. Good size room (or good size full apartment if I was going the non-roommate route at the time)
  3. No mice or bugs (hard to figure out at first glance, but some places seem more likely than others)
  4. No crazy or bad roommates allowed (you can only use your best judgement with this one…until you eliminate having roommates entirely)
  5. Elevator building (I travel a TON for work and dragging suitcases up 3 flights of stairs 50 times a year SUCKS).                                                                         Then I had a bunch of preferences that weren’t deal-breakers, such as
  • Modern place preferred
  • Close to Manhattan preferred
  • Neighbors can’t hear me walking on floor preferred (I used to have a landlord that lived under me and would bang on the ceiling with a broom at night when I was walking to and from my desk. That was very unpleasant…I guess for both of us.

Anyway, I can go on and on with many more tips, especially ones for after you’ve moved and are figuring things out in your new space, so I’ll just call this part one and end it for now.

Meanwhile, I’ll simply link to Ikea. Because.

You’re welcome.

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How to Talk to A Grieving Friend in Your Thirties

June 4, 2015 By in Friendships Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Sheryl Sandberg wrote a beautiful statement today on Facebook about mourning the death of her husband. He died very suddenly in a tragic accident on a treadmill while they were on vacation in Mexico.

The statement was made after she came out of 30 days of intense mourning for him- a tradition in Judaism known as shiva. Even though it’s been 30 days, I can’t imagine her pain is anything less than fresh and intense, so I’m amazed she put out an incredible brief on Facebook so early on in her grieving process.

Sandberg’s statement is incredibly sad, but it’s also helpful as well as brave. I remember trying to talk to a friend last month whose grandmother had recently died. I didn’t want to upset her and I didn’t know what to say, so I ended up shamefully trying to avoid her until I gathered up my nerve to speak.

Even now, in my thirties, I feel like I never really know the right thing to say to a grieving friend, or relative. But there are definitely better things to say than others.

Sheryl has some great ways to approach (or not approach) this difficult subject. Here are a few:

1. Don’t tell your friend that it’s going to be okay

“A friend of mine with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was “It is going to be okay.” That voice in his head would scream, How do you know it is going to be okay? Do you not understand that I might die? I learned this past month what he was trying to teach me. Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not.”

2. Ask your friend how he or she is doing today instead of a simple “how are you doing?”

“When I am asked “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am? When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.”

3. You don’t have to reassure the other person in order to empathize

“When people say to me, “You and your children will find happiness again,” my heart tells me, Yes, I believe that, but I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the truth.”

Other things to say to someone who has lost a loved one include:

– Simply addressing the situation: “I heard your _______ died. I’m so sorry”

– Be genuine: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care”

– Offer support: “Is there anything I can do for you?”

– Be willing to just sit and listen with compassion.

Things NOT to say include:

-“I know how you feel” – You can never really know how the person feels.

-“They’re in a better place now.” -You never know if the person you’re talking to believes this.

– “It’s part of God’s plan” – This can cause the person to get angry and actually say something like “What plan? I wasn’t aware of any plan.”

– “You need to get on with your life.” Grief moves at its own pace. This statement is unlikely to help anyone to actually get on with their life.

Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and devastatingly sad yet extremely positive statement, Sheryl. I’m sorry for your loss and am extremely sad for you and your family.

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What If You’re Ambivalent About Having Children?

June 1, 2015 By in Family, Relationships Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

When I should have paying attention to my professor in class this afternoon, I found myself riveted by this article in NY Mag, I Was a Proud Non-Breeder. I Changed My Mind by Michelle Goldberg. In the article, she talks about how she never wanted children and publicly declared so in an essay on Salon when she was 27 years old. But by the time she turned 35, her perspective started to shift. Her realization began this way:

“My own transformation didn’t begin with an unbidden outbreak of baby lust or a sudden longing for domesticity. It began, weirdly enough, when I learned about corpses becoming fathers. In 2011, I reported a piece for Tablet Magazine about the strange Israeli campaign for posthumous reproduction. Israel is the world capital of reproductive technology, and a legal group called New Family wanted to give parents who had lost adult sons the right to extract their sperm and create grandchildren. I have mixed feelings about making dads out of dead men, particularly if they hadn’t donated their sperm while living, but I remember being seized by the realization that if my husband were to die young, I’d want to be able to do it to him.”

How interesting that what sparked Goldberg’s shift towards the idea of possibly having children was other people’s inability to do so. This article got me thinking about my own feelings about having children. I’m not ambivalent per say, because I know I would like children eventually. But I don’t feel the urge right now, which is problematic being that I’m 33 years old. I feel like I want to accomplish more in Babiesmy career, and get further ahead before I bring a little one into the world. But I also fear that if I have a child before I’ve succeeded, I may resent my child for taking up my time when I could be writing and producing creative work.

Often times, I wish I had a very strong pull towards having children – one that would usurp all other purposeful pulls in my life. However, for now having children seems to rest in a more nebulous area of my ‘life wants.’ In two years, when I’m 35, my soon-to-be husband and I will have to start really diving into that nebulous area and make a solid plan.

So the tricky thing is, what do you do when you don’t feel an incredibly strong urge to have children, but you’re approaching your mid-thirties?

Portrait of a Thirty-Something: Jennifer Harder

May 27, 2015 By in Grab Bag Tags: , , 1 Comment

We are thrilled to present our fourth Portrait of a Thirty-Something interview with Jennifer Harder, a performing artist in New York City. Jennifer works as an actor, horn player, and a neo-vaudevillian (which if you haven’t heard that term, as I hadn’t, it means bringing back sideshow, circus, burlesque, and other live nightlife of yesteryear). I love how open Jennifer is about finding more peace with herself and how she’s learned to let go of seeking approval from others. Enjoy her interview, and a big thank you to Jennifer!

You can visit her website here.

Name/Age/Location: Jennifer Harder/34/Brooklyn, NY  AC_Portraits5B__033 as Smart Object-2 copy

Occupation: Performing Artist

What’s the accomplishment you’re most proud of in your 30s so far? Feeling at home and at peace in my own skin has been something I never thought would happen. It’s glorious.

What do you NOT miss about your 20s? I don’t miss the striving for “perfection” that I thought was lurking around every corner.  I was fairly close-minded in my early years about what constituted “success” and what that then meant.  On nearly every endeavor, I hardly enjoyed the journey and when I got to the destination it seemed hollow and unsatisfying.

Looking back, what shouldn’t you haven’t been afraid of in your 20s? People! I was so afraid of what they thought, gaining their approval, disappointing them, being dismissed by them, etc.  We are all in the same boat; the idea that we’re somehow different or separated from one another is imaginary.  People are truly what life is all about: a full life is one in which you share your moments with each other.

Any surprises about what your 30s are like? My mind has expanded exponentially and I’m able to look back on my stories of mishap and adventure with wisdom and without judgement.  I never really thought my 30s would be any different, but am pleasantly surprised with the maturity and peace of mind I’ve found.

What do you find most challenging about this decade? I might be at a crossroads with my career and it’s proving to be both frustrating and illuminating.  I may be emotional one day and excited the next about where life might take me.

What are you most looking forward to? Be it tonight, next month or ten years from now! I’m looking forward to becoming more spiritual, which is another area I never thought I’d explore.  I’m also looking forward to trying new things and seeing new places.

What would you like to hear more about regarding the thirties. What articles would you like to read?  I’d like to hear stories of people who have changed focus in their careers.

Too Old for Graduate School?

May 21, 2015 By in Career Tags: , , Leave a comment

When I enrolled at UCLA in Fall 2013 at thirty-two years old, I wasn’t sure how old the majority of my peers would be. Would I be the ‘older one’ or a ‘younger one’? Turns out, I’m on the older side, as most of my classmates are in their 20s. But I’ve been assured that classes prior to mine (class of 2015) had an older median age.

I’ve had friends tell me, “I’m too old to go to graduate school now,” thinking their ship has sailed. But it’s not true – you’re never too old for graduate school. And, according to information collected from the 2000 National Postsecondary Student Aid Survey, the average graduate student is 33 years old. Not only that, but 20% of all graduate students are over the age of 40.

You may worry about the perceived ‘stigma’ of being an older graduate student. But in my mind, yes, you may stand out if you’re an older student but standing out is good. Really. People are curious about you and your background, and many times you’re perceived as being courageous for continuing to go after your goals. One of the most talented recent graduates in my program was a grandmother in her 60s, and she was awesome. She won tons of awards for her writing and one of her TV pilots was actually produced.

When you go to graduate school later in life, you have a better idea of where you’re aiming to go. You don’t get stuck in “academic inertia” as one college professors said when he warned me against applying to school too soon. You also appreciate the sweetness of graduate school life a lot more than would if you were only a few years out of college (That is, if you’re not simultaneously working a full-time job, which is a beast.)

Also, you can benefit form the Lifetime Learning Tax Credit, which in 2014-2015 was about $2,000 per year. However, there are income restrictions and only one member of married couple can benefit from this credit at a time. You can read more about it here.

Education, at any age, is never a waste.

It hurts. So what?

May 20, 2015 By in Grab Bag, Health and Wellness Tags: , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

A couple of weeks ago, I was extremely afraid. I wanted to speak up, but it felt much easier to stay silent. Or rather, I needed to speak up but was afraid of the response. There was an 95 percent chance that things wouldn’t end well.

Okay, I exaggerate. I’m not saying that I would die or get physically injured or even be screamed at, but I likely wouldn’t get the response I desired. I’m talking about the likelihood of a very high rejection rate.

I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t say what I wanted to say. I knew I’d feel even worse if I stayed silent. But I was scared. The pain I’d feel if rejected felt very real.

So I vented to Jane about how I felt safer staying quiet because I didn’t want to bring almost certain pain into my life. Even though I knew what I needed to do, it sucked that I could predict the future pain from doing it. And it was then that she said to me one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard in my adult life.

She said “yeah, it’s going to probably  hurt. It’ll probably hurt very bad. But okay. So what?”

So what??

The revelation feels groundbreaking. Things may hurt, very badly even, but so what? So what?

Can you live with the pain of things hurting? Yes. And when you can live with that pain and be brave in the face of it, the world opens up.

Suddenly, suddenly everything is doable. Even the most immense impending hurt can’t stop you. It can bring you to your knees and it can make you cry. For awhile even.

But so what?

I ended up saying what I needed to say, and I was extremely relieved I did. And the hurt still came on strong. The rejection felt intense and stung with pain.

But so what? So what??

I’m still here. And I’m okay.

A Different Kind of Marriage in your Thirties

April 23, 2015 By in Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Ellen McCarthy, a wedding and relationships reporter at the Washington Post, spent years interviewing hundreds of couples about what makes relationships work and what doesn’t for the paper’s On Love column. Her book, The Real Thing, is an insiders scoop into what makes some marriages work and others..not work..and possibly end in divorce.

According to McCarthy, there seems to be two major keys to finding a marriage partner to be with for (hopefully) your entire life. They weren’t what I thought they’d be. At first I found them way too simple. But simplicity can be deceptive…

The two keys are:

1. Comfort
It turns out that so many of the spouses in successful marriages used the word ‘comfortable’ when talking about their significant other that McCarthy began to get worried when couples didn’t mention that word.
Comfortable in this case didn’t mean settling or boring. It meant that both spouses felt very much themselves in the relationship. The couple still had to work on the relationship of course, but the marriage just felt natural and they didn’t have to second guess themselves or tiptoe around one another. Both husband and wife were comfortably able to express themselves without fear. One person even said that the marriage sometimes felt like being alone while together …in the best way. They both still felt extremely free and independent while together in the relationship. This is the best kind of interdependence, I think.

2. Kindness
When asked what the most important quality a potential life partner could have, the answer was kindness, hands down. The marriages that lasted consisted of partners who were kind to one another…and kind people overall. One respondent said that her significant other was kind to everyone- kind to her, kind to himself, kind to friends, kind to dogs. Kindness is everything in a lasting marriage.
And why shouldn’t it be?

If you’re going to be with someone for life- and in this day and age that means another 60 possible years from your thirties(!)- why wouldn’t you choose someone who’s kind and who you can comfortably be yourself with?

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t butterflies, super hot moments, and great chemistry, and it doesn’t mean that everything is boring and tranquil. It just means that when looking for a life partner, kindness and comfort are great places to start…and continue.

Are you in an amazing marriage with a kind partner who you feel extremely comfortable with? Are these traits valuable to you? I know that I never had them high enough on my radar before, and they’ve recently moved to the top of my list. I don’t want to be with a person who seems great on paper, but isn’t kind. I want to be with a kind person who makes me feel comfortable and good about myself. The rest can be figured out thereafter.

love_is_kind

Portrait of a Thirtysomething- Kari Bentley-Quinn

April 7, 2015 By in Career, Friendships, Grab Bag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

We’re so happy to have Kari Bentley-Quinn as our next featured guest in our new Portrait of a Thirtysomething series! Portrait of a Thirtysomething asks our invited guests (in their 30s) questions about their lives and what this decade means to them.

Kari Bentley Quinn is an absolutely amazing playwright and we co-founded the theater company, Mission to (dit)Mars together along with two other wonderful cofounders. Kari and I met a few years ago through another theater group, Packawallop Productions, and have been friends ever since! Jane and I are thrilled to have her here!

Enjoy her beautiful interview below, and be sure to check out her website and say hi!  http://www.karibentleyquinn.com/

Kari Bentley Quinn

“The challenge is “how do I live as happy and fulfilled a life as possible?” At the end of the day, the person I most have to answer to is myself. I can’t live for anyone else – my husband, my family, my friends – I have to be a whole person. And I think that’s hard sometimes, but it becomes more necessary.”

Name/Age/Location:
 
Kari Bentley-Quinn/ 33/ Astoria/Woodside border, in the amazing borough of Queens (Woodstoria?)
 
Occupation: 
Playwright/Executive Assistant (proud hybrid for ten years strong!)
 
What’s the accomplishment you’re most proud of in your 30s so far? 
It has to be the fact that I went back to grad school after nearly ten years out of undergrad. I am getting my MFA in Playwriting from Hunter College, and I graduate in May, which I can hardly believe. It was an absolutely terrifying thing to do, but I did it! Well, almost. Still have a few things left to do. But I am 90% of the way there. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done – mentally, physically, emotionally, creatively. I did it while working a full time job. I don’t know if I would have been able to do this in my 20s when I was less sure of myself. I also got an agent last year, so that was really nice. And I’ve had two productions!
What do you NOT miss about your 20s? 
I think just the crushing uncertainty and working so hard to have people take you seriously. The 20s are the time you’re supposed to be making a lot of mistakes, but is also the time when you become a full blown adult. Trying to reconcile the fact that you’re still young and inexperienced with making good enough decisions that your future won’t be a wreck is tough. There were a lot of wonderful things about my 20s. But there were a lot of scary and bad things, too. I would say that my early 20s were actually quite awful. My mid to late 20s, less so.
 
Looking back, what shouldn’t you haven’t been afraid of in your 20s? 
Being a failure. Not making everyone happy. Money stuff. What people thought of me. Being fat. Not working hard enough. Getting older in general. What my future was going to be like. I spent a lot of my 20s freaking out about stuff that 1. was impossible to know the end result of and 2. didn’t matter one bit. I am a huge Type A perfectionist and I think it held me back more than it moved me forward!
Any surprises about what your 30s are like? 
Yes – which is that I kind of love being in my 30s! I feel much more confident and assured in professional situations. I think I’m a way better writer and just more capable in basically every aspect of my life. I have a strong marriage and absolutely amazing friends. I also like that its totally okay to stay home on Friday night when you’re in your thirties. I have learned to value my downtime, to fiercely protect it, and to say no. Learning to say no has been super important.
 
What do you find most challenging about this decade? 
While in some ways I am much better than my 20s, I find that I have less stamina and way less bullshit tolerance. I also found a WHITE hair on my head (thanks grad school!), and while I don’t like to think of myself as a vain person, seeing the fine lines start to appear is a little humbling. I also think its tough for women to age. Youth and attractiveness are so overemphasized for young women, and as much as we all like to think we’re above it, the messaging we have received is really damaging. I really hope that we stop that in future generations.
I also am just more aware of my mortality in general. I don’t know if that’s bad – but the challenge is “how do I live as happy and fulfilled a life as possible?” At the end of the day, the person I most have to answer to is myself. I can’t live for anyone else – my husband, my family, my friends – I have to be a whole person. And I think that’s hard sometimes, but it becomes more necessary.
 
What are you most looking forward to? Be it tonight, next month or ten years from now.
 
More travel, more love, more laughter, more time off, less giving of fucks about dumb stuff. I think I’ve made good choices. At least I hope I have!
 
What would you like to hear more about regarding the thirties. What articles would you like to read?
 
I’d love to read more about the challenges women face professionally as they get older. I think these struggles change and continue as we age and as our lives change.

That Time You Hated Positivity In Your Thirties

February 20, 2015 By in Health and Wellness Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Have you ever had someone say “cheer up” or “smile” to you? Did it annoy you at the time?

Have you ever wondered why you can’t constantly be happy and peaceful? Why do circumstances always come at you and change your happy perspective for a bit? Why can’t you get back that peace you felt a minute ago or yesterday or last week or last year?

I used to think, “all I want is to be strong all the time. And I feel strong when I’m positive and happy. So I want to be positive and happy all the time. I wish I could figure out how to always be peaceful and happy every moment of every day.”

Or I’d think, “I don’t know how so-and-so does it. He/She seems so peaceful/happy/blessed/lucky all the time on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter. How is He/She always so happy/magical/overjoyed in His/Her status updates? If only I could be stronger, I could hold onto this kind of happiness/blessedness/unicorn-ness all the time!”

The older I get, the more I have moments of clarity about this kind of happiness and strength. I actually think that true strength doesn’t lie in holding onto smiles and cheer all the time, but in recognizing that feelings come and go in waves. And waves go both up and down.

The other day, I was saying to a friend of mine “I just want to be strong, and I’ve been so happy lately. But today I feel shaken by outside circumstances, and I can’t hold onto the strength I felt yesterday. What do I do?” But as I said it, I realized that in a way I was stronger than ever. And I didn’t really need to do anything. I’ve begun to recognize the waves and ride them, even when they’re occasionally jarring and scary.

Constant happy-joy-joy positivity, especially on social media, annoys me because it seems fake. There’s a notion that ‘putting on a happy face all the time’ is the absolute best thing to do. I don’t really agree.

Not that I think being negative is good. But as I enter my thirties, I think the best spot to be is ‘positive but honest.’ You can still be positive and admit you’re scared. You can still be positive and feel weak. You can still be positive and cry. And you can also be positive and happy.

Life happens. Circumstances outside you happen. It’s okay to admit they get to you sometimes.

Ironically, the more you can ride the low feelings and let them be, the better you’ll ride the high…and the happier you’ll be anyway.

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Some Advice on Living Your 30s Well

January 27, 2015 By in Career, Family, Friendships, Grab Bag Tags: , 1 Comment

So true confession. I’m PMS’ing this week. Which for me means that I’m a bit cranky and craving salty foods. And also, those hormones knock my self-esteem down a notch and lead me into funny (in hindsight!), internet rabbit holes. I do random google searching about how I feel, with the goal normally being for me to feel like I’m not alone – that other folks feel the same way I do.

Tonight I googled “thirties and feel lost.” After reading Laura’s post from yesterday, I started thinking about how someone once told me that the chances of my career choice (screenwriting) being successful was like “winning the lotto.” Thinking back on that, what a crappy and mean thing to say! In my low moments, I wonder if he was right. What if I can never monetize my writing? I’ve managed to make money copywriting and writing for corporations but that’s not my goal – I want to write for films and TV. So anyway, I started to think worst-case scenario, what would I do to make money? And that’s when I googled “thirties and feel lost” and this particular Metafilter thread came up, What Do You Wish You Did in Your 30s.

In the thread, lots of 40 and 50-somethings wrote in about the regrets of their 30s. And it was somewhat uplifting. and inspiring, so I thought I’d share some of the thoughts here.

One woman wrote:

I would have divorced my first husband sooner, because I would have somehow woken up to how I was riding a wave of denial through my own life.

I would have spent way more time creating stuff (writing, acting, making art), because even if it had been shit, I’d have been that much more practiced now in my 40s.

I would have spent more time seeking out new and maintaining my existing female friendships (I’m a woman), because that kind of bond is crucial to my well being.

I would have spent those 10 years exercising, instead of taking up weightlifting at age 39 and finally honing and actually feeling my own strength.

I would have cut the few truly toxic people out of my life sooner, including my own mother.

Having said all this, I don’t have any regrets. I only look forward.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:22 PM on February 18, 2014 [8 favorites]

I liked this one a lot:

Choose the happier choice instead of the, seemingly, right choice.
posted by jennstra at 4:59 PM on February 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

Many people talked about saving money. I’m sure Laura would appreciate that 🙂

If you haven’t done it already, make sure you get on top of your retirement savings (getting any matching funds you’re entitled to in your 401k, maxing out a Roth IRA, etc). It’s hard to make up for the loss of compound interest the longer you wait to get your accounts in order.
posted by bcwinters at 1:54 PM on February 18, 2014 [9 favorites]

How to not regret your 30s

January 13, 2015 By in Grab Bag Tags: , Leave a comment

About eight months ago, there was a Reddit thread around the question “For those of you 40 or above, what do you regret about your 30s?” Check it out here – it’s definitely worth a read if you don’t mind sifting through a lot of random replies.

The most resonant reply for me was the person who said not to worry about the “shoulds.” I ‘should’ be married by now, I ‘should’ have a  high-paying job by now, I ‘should’ have children by now, etc. Only recently have I started to become more comfortable with ignoring the “shoulds” in my own life. For me though, the “shoulds” I’m concerned about are more day-to-day life stuff – for example, when I tell myself I ‘should’ attend a social function when I really don’t want to.

As I’ve gotten older, I try to do things that bring me joy. If I don’t want to go to a loud party that starts at 10pm because I want to curl up with a good book and drink a glass of wine, then that’s what I do. Same with hanging out with people who don’t make me feel happy or good about myself. I used to tell myself that I ‘should’ spend time with a person, simply because he or she asked me to. Like, ooooh…someone wants to hang out with ME, I have to say yes, because what if I say no and then I don’t get the opportunity to socialize again?! Clearly, that was low self-esteem speaking and something I should analyze in therapy sometime. Thankfully I’m past that stage and now, if someone asks me to hang out and I feel ‘I should want to’ rather than ‘Yay! I want to!’ – I don’t say yes. Time is too valuable these days.

Speaking of time, I loved this commenter’s (handle: mustlovecash) ‘regret’ and advice for us 30-somethings:

Living in a shallow blur, by doing too many things adequately vs. a few meaningful things really, really well. Multitasking is an oxymoron, and your inbox will always be full – that is it’s job. But being excellent in a few cherished things (playing piano, skiing, photography, whatever) gives a lasting reward.

And, overall, one of the most recurring ‘regrets’ in the thread was not saving enough money or not maxing out your 401K options from employers. Laura has talked a lot about saving money on this blog and if you haven’t already started an IRA or Roth IRA, start your research here.

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