How Polite Are You?

November 5, 2014 By in Friendships Tags: Leave a comment

Politeness is one of the most underrated skills I know. Even knowing that, I continually underrate it myself.

The word ‘polite’ makes me think of ‘table manners’ and ‘finishing school.’ I equate it with place settings and buttoned up shirts. It feels outdated somehow. Who puts ‘polite’ at the top of their list of self traits?

Would you strive to be exceptionally polite?

Although ‘polite’ and ‘proper’ are two similar words that aren’t exactly the same, they overlap, which makes me politeness only seem good up to a point. Saying please and thank you is good; keeping your elbows off the table is boring. When someone holds a door for me, that’s nice; when someone reprimands me for holding a fork ‘like a shovel’- that’s not so nice (this has happened in my adult life).

Holding a fork correctly is apparently a major skill.

Holding a fork correctly is apparently a major skill.

Am I polite? I try to be. I give up my seat when I see pregnant women on trains. I hold the door for the person behind me. ‘Please and ‘thank you,’ are regular parts of my vocabulary, as is the phrase “I’m sorry” (probably to an overblown extent). I try not to push tourists when they stop on the street for a photo.

But is that the extent of politeness? I read this article the other day called ‘How To Be Polite’ (which, from the title alone, I already thought was a bizarre, ‘too proper’ sounding article) that ended up broadly expanding upon politeness in a very surprising way.

The author describes his politeness as being way more than just well-mannered. He makes sure whoever he’s talking to in a conversation is heard. He asks probing questions and lets the other person talk while he truly listens. He writes emails of apology if he believes he’s wronged someone and believes in giving people second chances… even if he hated them the first time he met them. And if he hated them the first time, he’s polite enough that they’d never know. He also believes in virtually invisible politeness- never being polite in a showy way, but instead weaving it subtly through his interactions.

For him, politeness is really respecting other people- treating them as you’d want to be treated yourself. It becomes holding yourself to a certain standard, but not necessarily expecting that standard back from others. Because you never know what’s really happening in someone’s life:

“People silently struggle from all kinds of terrible things. They suffer from depression, ambition, substance abuse, and pretension. They suffer from family tragedy, Ivy-League educations, and self-loathing. They suffer from failing marriages, physical pain, and publishing. The good thing about politeness is that you can treat these people exactly the same. And then wait to see what happens.”

Perhaps politeness isn’t outdated and stodgy at all, but is something that desperately needs to to be rethought and brought back to life. If politeness was equated with second chances and empathy, with listening and not asking for anything in return, it can become a trait of very high value.

And maybe we just need to claim politeness as an important trait and build upon it. I’ve always been extremely empathetic, and I’m a pretty great listener, though not to the extent of the author in his conversations:

“I am often consumed with a sense of overwhelming love and empathy. I look at the other person and am overwhelmed with joy. For all of my irony I really do want to know about the process of hanging jewelry from celebrities. What does the jewelry feel like in your hand? What do the celebrities feel like in your hand? Which one is more smooth?”

That’s a lot, but it would be nice to feel that way! Politely overwhelmed with love and empathy for others! Politely full of a curious passion for the stories people tell! Even if they’re boring. Even if you hate them at first. When I think of politeness, that’s how I want to feel!

What if the word ‘polite’ went beyond ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and equated itself with curiosity, love, and second chances? I’ve already newly adjusted it into my vocabulary.

 

Would you be friends with your mom if you were the same age?

November 4, 2014 By in Friendships Leave a comment

How beautiful is this photo series by photographer Danielle Delph?

http://danielledelph.com/If-I-Had-Known-My-Mother-Back-Then

In a nutshell, this photographer took old photos of her mother at her age and photoshopped herself in, so it looks like her and her mother are hanging out together. It’s really sweet and touching.

I’d like to think I’d be friends with my mom if we met in different circumstances and were the same age. And even if we weren’t the same age, I’d like to think we’d still be friends. (FYI, I’m fascinated by friendship between women of vastly different ages, so if you’ve got  a story, please share with me.)

This photo series made me think about how I’ve discovered my parents personalities in deeper ways in the past 5-7 years and how even people closest to us can maintain a sense of mystery. I think when parents retire, a shift from obligation to personal exploration seems to happen for them. With my own parents, they both began to try new opportunities and almost gained a kind of youthful curiosity about certain things. It was exciting to see, and almost somewhat scary. Sometimes you think of your parents are immutable beings, steadfast and fixed in your memory and consciousness.

Accepting that my parents are growing just like I am is a beautiful thing. I’m learning about my parents as human beings, in much the same way new parents get to know their babies as they grow up into toddlers with their own distinct personalities.

Happy Monthiversary!

November 2, 2014 By in Grab Bag Tags: Leave a comment

We usually never write on Sundays, but we just wanted to say thank you so much for reading! It’s November 2, our first Monthiversary, and we already have over thirty articles about the thirties!

firworkThank you for reading and being part of this! You’re the best!

We really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on our website. We hope it’s as fun for you as it is for us, and we’re excited for many more monthiversaries to come.

Also, if you’re in the US (or certain parts of Canada), make sure to change your clocks and sleep an extra hour- you earned it!

xoxo
Jane and Laura

Friendships and good ol’ phone calls

November 1, 2014 By in Friendships Leave a comment

How do you communicate with your friends? Are you more of an emailer, texter, or caller? How do you maintain your relationships? For me personally, it’s a mix of all of the above. But I realized that I don’t talk on the phone at length with my newer friends, and by newer friends, I mean friends made in the last 5-10 years. I generally use emails, texts and social media to communicate with them.

I started thinking about this after reading the article, Is Voicemail Over? One interesting statistic from the article was a study from 2012 that said people use their phones for actual calls only 12 minutes a day.

Most of the people I talk to on the phone I’ve known for a really long time, and we grew our friendships by speaking on the phone, so it’s normal to continue that habit, and there’s something quite comforting about it. I remember that new, fresh period of my high school friendships when a friend and I would begin talking on the phone, and how intimate it felt, even though it was just two voices, laughing and chatting. Usually it involved me sitting on the rolling office chair in my room, attempting not to lean back too far, staring out the window at the adjacent apartment, gossiping about the Backstreet Boys, and being interrupted by my dad yelling, “Get off the phone or you’re not going to that Hanson concert!” (Oh god, did I really just admit that to the world? Yes.)

My phone doesn’t ring often. The only friends I talk to on the phone are older friends. I think somehow the phone as calling and talking device hasn’t gotten a bad rap – people see the a ringing phone as an intrusion. Nowadays, people text first to ask “Can I call?” or email to say, “Let’s set a phone date!”

I guess there’s nothing at all wrong with that, but I do miss the days of getting a random call and spending an unplanned hour of your afternoon catching up with a friend. And do you think hearing our friends actual voices and having to reply on-the-spot brought us closer together?

Help! I’m 30 and Never Followed My Childhood Dream!

October 31, 2014 By in Career Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

There was this episode of “How I Met Your Mother” where Ted and the gang all realize that they may never accomplish “someday” childhood career dreams they’re all still holding onto.

Someone had always wanted to be a painter, someone else a rockstar, and then there were a few really ridiculous ideas…I can’t remember all of the dreams. The gang reminisces about the career pursuits they once longed for. Some of them try to pursue the dreams once again in order to turn them into a reality. They realize they’ve all been hoping to accomplish their childhood dreams ‘one day.’ By the end of the half hour, they let the dreams go, and keep on the path they were on before. The moral seems to be: we need to put those childhood dreams to rest for something better to take hold in our lives.’

lily-aldrin-and-larok-folklore-hoodie-in-dusty-birch-gallery

Lily wants to be a painter. Barney wants to be…a knight? Who knows? Hahaha, he’s pretty funny no matter what.

 

I was never satisfied with that episode. I think one of the reasons it got under my skin was that my career path has taken such a different turn from what I’d originally expected. When I watched that episode, I wondered if I’d given up on my childhood career dream. Am I still holding on to the belief that I’ll one day pick up my former dream again? Is that belief false?

Right now, I’m a self-employed Corporate Spokesperson and Product Specialist (to be better explained in another post), and I work in a lot of different industries, traveling at least half the time. I really enjoy what I do. When I don’t ponder dream careers and childhood ‘what I want to be when I grow up’s”, I feel a deep satisfaction with my job….for now. But then I think along the lines of: ‘Am I pursuing my dreams?’ ‘Is my inner child satisfied?’ ‘Do I know what my career dreams are?’ The questions lead me down all sorts of analytical paths.

I wonder what it means to feel satisfied right now while not pursuing my childhood dream. 

I wonder what my career dream really is. I always thought I wanted to be an actor- but that’s not my dream at the moment. What do I make of that? Have I given up? Was it never really my dream?

I think of the famous men and women who began what became their ‘defining career start’ later in life. The long list of people includes Vera Wang (40 when she entered the fashion industry), Henry Ford (57 when he created the Model T), Suze Orman (36 when she started her financial group), Gene Hackman (37 when he got his first film role), Colonel Sanders (62 when he franchised Kentucky Fried Chicken), Stan Lee (38 when he created his first comic: The Fantastic Four), Julia Child (50 when her first cookbook came out), Laura Ingalls Wilder (65 when the “Little House on the Prairie” books came out)….and many more.

Some of these people pursued a childhood dream that was finally accomplished late in life, and others ended up on a completely new career path…or two or three. I’m sure all of them had moments of confusion about the paths they were on. I’m sure they had many more moments of feeling like they failed. But the important part was that they kept on, proving that they were trying even while possibly failing and failing again.

Right now, I’m satisfied with my career. I’m not pursuing my childhood dream, but it’s not what I want at the moment. And for now, all I can do is listen to my gut. There are times when I’m filled with doubt, and times when I feel confused, but I find clarity in trusting myself and continuing forward, trying to be brave enough to fail and fail again. I make changes as I go, add and subtract, and above all, I continue questioning.

Careers twist and turn, and it’s both okay to pursue your childhood dream with a vengeance, or to let it go to make room for other dreams…or then to pick it back up again years later. Stay honest with yourself, know it’s never too late, and let yourself question your dreams, both old and new.

 

Have you heard of this movie, Laggies?

October 30, 2014 By in Grab Bag 2 Comments

What are your weekend plans? All I know is that my weekend will involve seeing this new movie, Laggies, directed by Lynn Shelton. It’s about a 29-year-old woman who struggling to grow up, and finds herself thrown into a crisis of uncertainty when her boyfriend proposes. Here’s the synopsis from IMDb:

Having spent her twenties comfortably inert, 28 year old Megan reaches a crisis when she finds herself squarely in adulthood with no career prospects, no particular motivation to pursue any and no one to relate to, including her high school boyfriend. When he proposes, Megan panics and given an opportunity to escape – at least temporarily – she hides out in the home of her new friend, 16-year-old Annika and Annika’s world-weary single dad.

As a screenwriter, I’m excited by these movies. Not only because it’s directed by one of my favorite female directors, but primarily because I’m so tired of seeing movies about 30-something women desperate for love or struggling to BALANCE IT ALL. There are other types of women in their late twenties and thirties and I want to see them on screen. In my own work, I try to write movies with complex, female characters with different viewpoints than the ones we generally see portrayed. Because if I see one more successful, power-drive corporate woman who’s missing just one thing in her life…love…I’m gonna barf.

Check out the trailer for Laggies here:

The Day After the Best Day Ever

October 29, 2014 By in Grab Bag Tags: , , Leave a comment

There was a wedding in Canada I went to last summer that basically went on for a week. It felt like every day leading up to the “big day” was a celebration. The bride and groom planned food tours around Montreal, different city walks during the day, and all sorts of expeditions on the days before the wedding.

2013-08-01 17.13.23-1 copy

Neat buildings seen from a boat ride around the Montreal harbor.

The wedding day itself was amazingly fun, creative and beautiful. It was one of the most enjoyable weddings I’d ever been to. And then the week continued on.

2013-08-02 20.25.43-1 copy

We tried all different flavors of delicious Canadian poutine! Woohoo!

The afternoon after the wedding a bunch of the wedding party and a few friends all met up again to have lunch and get some poutine (which is a delicious Canadian french fry dish where fries are mixed with cheese and gravy, creating pure happiness.) While we ate, I asked the bride how she was feeling. She replied in an only half-joking bittersweet tone: “It was the best day ever… I want to do it again!! I wish I could get married every day…I can’t believe it’s over!!”

As we wandered around one of Montreal’s parks with our cheesy gravy-covered fries, I thought about how her long anticipated big day had come and gone. The bride’s “best day ever” was now yesterday.

The day after the best day ever always feels like a gamble; Even if it’s pretty good, it’s worrisome that the happy feelings will subside. There’s this residue of greatness now gone that hangs in the air. It’s so hard to hold on to that best day- when it occurs, the urge arises to grab it, but it always slips away.

Sometimes a yearning for ‘yesterday’ will leave me feeling unsatisfied and melancholy; And what’s funny is that even though this ‘day after the best day’ will happen every time, I always struggle against it. I wonder when and if another ‘best’ day will come again…and I wait. And I remember.

But then, in certain moments when things are calm, I think of all the other days and what they might mean. I wonder about them- there are so many more days stretching before me than there are those special, momentous ‘best days ever.’ Will they mean anything in my life? Are they only here to be squandered?

And in my clearest seconds, sometimes during a run at dusk or mid-meditation or on a long bus ride home, I feel a spark of contentment, a flicker of gratitude, a flash of clarity.What if today- and all those ‘other days’ and ‘other moments’ – are equally as great as the best days? Sometimes the clear feeling is as subtle as a touch of wind, and is gone as fast as it came. For the moments in its wake, I’m left confused, struggling to grasp the insight and bring it back to me. But as of late, my goal has been to embrace the confusion and just let it go.

What if the best day ever wasn’t yesterday or won’t even be tomorrow, but is actually right now?

Did you see this video about street harassment?

October 29, 2014 By in Grab Bag Leave a comment

Did you see this video showing a woman who walked through New York City for ten hours and received over 100 harassing comments from men during that time?  She wore a backpack outfitted with a video camera and held two microphones. It was created by Hollaback! an anti-street harassment organization with the assistance of the video marketing agency Rob Bliss Creative.

Having grown up in New York City, I remember these sorts of comments from as early as age thirteen. I remember being a teenager and feeling embarrassed to walk down the street with my dad, in fear that someone would say something, and I’d feel shamed in front of my father.

In addition to the outrage at the obvious awful comments like “Sexy” or “Nice ass”, what pisses me off the most about these comments is this expectation for women to be pleasant and chatty all the time. Because sometimes, we DON’T want to participate in pleasantries. That’s when we get comments like, “Smile, more!” or “What do you have be so down about?” God, nothing pisses me off more than that.

I remember when I was growing up, my mom told me this story about a man in our apartment building. My mom is very friendly and will often chat up strangers on transport, elevators, etc. But this particular man she felt uneasy about, so she often stayed silent in their elevator rides when they’d be alone. But she said that he would often clear his throat in expectation that she would talk to him, and then made loud sighing noises when she didn’t initiate conversations.

If I’m in a brave mood, when I get unwanted up-and-down stares from men on the street, I give them a good, long up-and-down look, judging them the same way they judge me. I’m not sure what the men think of this, but somehow it levels the playing field.

Living with Paradoxes

October 25, 2014 By in Career Leave a comment

Two days ago, I was on the bus and a homeless man got on. He carried a rolled-up blanket, three plastic bags, and wore some sort of Scottish looking kilt. Not a strange sight at all for a city bus in Los Angeles. I’ve also seen this particular man taking naps at the Big Blue Bus benches around Santa Monica so I think my assumption that he is homeless is probably accurate.

But, here’s what surprised me and got me to look a little deeper. He also carried two dry cleaning bags. When I looked closer, I saw that the bags contained crisp black suits. I couldn’t help but find this surprising. It’s interesting that he chose to spend his money on dry cleaning, but also ambitious that he would do this, maybe this small gesture and choice would help him land a job after an interview.

For me, the image of this homeless man carrying dry cleaning bags reminded me of the paradoxes we live with every day.

As I’ve started to embrace my 30’s, I’m finding that there are more and more paradoxes in life. For me, one of the most challenging paradoxes has to do with my writing career. I’m the type of person who reads self-help books and believes in positive thinking. Yes, I’ve read “The Secret” and I do believe there’s some truth to it. So I sometimes visualize myself working in a TV writer’s room, feeling financially secure and creatively productive. But I also am working on accepting myself and realizing there are many external factors that will play a role in whether or not this dream happens for me. For a very long time, I thought that I simply wasn’t working hard enough – I wasn’t putting in the hours to my writing which is why I wasn’t writing for Shonda Rhimes or Jason Katims (Parenthood, Friday Night Lights, About a Boy). But the truth is – there’s a very real “market” out there, and the market may not want to buy my work.

Trying to hold both of these ideas in my head at the same time is a challenge. And I think it’s a great challenge of life, especially as we get older – learning to live within the paradoxes.

So You Want to Get Plastic Surgery

October 24, 2014 By in Health and Wellness Leave a comment

Renee Zellweger has been all over the news recently regarding her facial transformation. This news is so ubiquitous that it twice has made it onto a daily ‘top ten world news items’ email that I subscribe to.

Her new image caused me to do several double takes. I searched her name on Google in order to see even more unrecognizable photos. And I must admit my first few thoughts surfaced quickly: I judged her. Harshly.

‘What has she done to her face?’ I thought to myself. “It’s horrible that I can’t recognize her anymore! WHY would she do that?”

And then the opinion pages popped up all over the internet:

“She shouldn’t have done that to herself- she should be natural!!”
“Goddammit! Why?? She looks totally different! I liked her old face!!”
“The horror!! She looks even older now!”

And like a rapidly dividing cellular organism, the opinionated groups split and split into voices screaming everywhere:

“Be natural,” “Looks like an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON,” “Trying to look younger,” “Horrifying” “Don’t talk about it anymore!”

But we’re talking about it. Even when we shut up, we’re thinking about it. It’s part of our culture to judge and put beauty and the act of aging under a microscope. Celebrities are under the microscope more than non-celebs, but only because they have more photos/video taken of them, and are seen by more people. Aging is judged for us all, and so people who try to combat aging are judged and reviewed even more. And this media frenzy has happened right now because Renee Zellweger seems to have “failed” the aging test.

In our society, women aren’t supposed to look like they’ve aged if they want to be valued; so the question strangles us from a young age: how do we stop letting age show on our faces and bodies? How do we pass the aging test? Can we eat perfectly “clean” and follow the ‘right’ exercise and sleep routines and be balanced and meditate and never stress out? Can we ‘make up for aging’ in some other way, by perhaps excelling with our creative talent (the Meryl Streep argument), utilizing our outstanding intellect, accomplishing our inner goals and dreams? Will these things make us better?

Maybe they will and maybe they won’t, but the purpose of all the above achievements and routines was never to make us LOOK better, but to make us BE better.

Becoming a better person inside doesn’t always show physically. It seems fair that inner beauty will always shine through on the outside, but life isn’t fair- when did we ever think it was? It is 100% certain that we will all age. There will be people who naturally look younger when they are older- a combination of luck and some habits and genes. Then there will be people who look their age or older- also a combination of luck and some habits and genes.

If successfully ’passing’ the aging test means looking looking naturally younger or “natural but still very good” then you will have ‘passed’ if you luck out by aging well ‘naturally.’ If you don’t feel like you have aged well naturally, then you’re stuck being judged for ‘looking old.’ So you can try to fix this with plastic surgery, Botox, or other outside help- but you will only have succeeded if the ‘help’ is a secret..if it’s completely and mysteriously invisible.

So the ‘aging test’ goes into super difficult bonus round challenge if you reveal the secret…you’re not allowed to show that you’ve had-gasp!- surgery! You can’t show that you’re trying to beat the system ‘unnaturally’– that’s cheating!

What’s that? Did I just write that we’re set up to fail?

I think so. The system that’s in place is set up to be all but impossible to beat. It’s a system of hypocrisy and double standards, of secrecy and judgement. The only way to beat it now is to join it, to believe in it or live in shame. And that’s not really beating it at all.

Our system is broken. It’s NATURAL to AGE! It’s Natural that age shows on our faces and bodies. But what our culture wants is a youthful look at all costs. So let us not judge plastic surgery. Let us judge our culture.

Kintsugi

October 23, 2014 By in Grab Bag Leave a comment

Do you ever feel like now that you’re in your 30’s you have more wear and tear, maybe a little more scarring, if you will…?

I do. In the physical way, obviously – for instance, I’m starting to see the lines on my forehead, and my pores are larger (which my facialist said was due to gravity pulling the skin downward and thus enlarging the pores, which was somehow terrifying to hear.) But also emotionally. I’ve been let down by friends, been broken hearted, become a touch more jaded, lost some of my idealism, etc.

So when I read about this Japanese practice of Kintsugi, my heart felt happy. According to Wikipedia, Kintsugi is “The Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy it speaks to breakage and repair becoming part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.”

What if we thought of ourselves like this? As if all our so-called ‘failures’ are actually beautiful golden additions to ourselves — armor against negativity, reflectors of light.

Our “brokenness” is something to be celebrated. I know I’m stating the obvious here – but it bears repeating – let’s embrace our history and heartbreaks and remember that they make us who we are.

Sang-Bleu_kintsugi

from sangbleu.com

Are the People You Date Just “Tolerating” You?

October 22, 2014 By in Relationships Leave a comment

What does it mean when you pursue people who don’t call you back, are flaky, or seem only ho hum about you?

It’s scary to allow only the best into your life and to let go of the mediocre. However, in these busy times, when every person and article and job duty and creative endeavor is demanding your attention, how can you allow anything else?

An article called “Fuck yes or no!” on Mark Manson’s fantastic website basically sums up whether to go forward with dating someone. Start by asking yourself: do I want to be with this person? Is your answer ‘Fuck yes!’? Ok, proceed. Hesitant? Stand down. But you have to glean the other person’s answer too, because it works the same in reverse: is the object of your desire saying or seeming to say ‘fuck yes!’ to you? Great. But are they not returning your calls? Are they sporadic and vague? That’s not a ‘fuck yes!’ my friend, and so it’s a no.

It’s a painful truth, and it’s in no way a perfect truth. Of course people change and grow. Of course you can work on things together. Of course, some things are a ‘fuck yes!’ at first lustful sight, but then turn into an ‘umm, no.’ And occasionally vice versa…but that’s rare. I’s best to start strong.

Mark says “There’s a grey area in dating… a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.” He continues to talk about how most dating advice exists to ‘fix’ the grey area…but the grey area mean it’s already a no go! How much simpler is everything when you actually heed that advice??

In your thirties, what you used to tolerate in your twenties becomes less tolerable. That’s why it’s important to first know what you want and who you are as best you can. Make your feelings clear to yourself and then you can figure out whether your answers to everything- not just dating, but friendships, career choices, creative projects- are a major ‘fuck yes!’ or an ‘ummm..hmm.’ And then ask yourself whether that other person or project seems to to be loudly calling your name as well with an ‘absolute fuck yes, for sure!’

Proceed accordingly. Celebrate your choices. It can sometimes be just that simple.

"Fuck yes!"

Saying yes!

The Grass is Greener Syndrome

October 21, 2014 By in Health and Wellness Leave a comment

Everything in your life could be better, if only got a new job, moved, owned a dog, ate five servings of vegetables a day, gave up alcohol, ate gluten free, and the list goes on…

Since I graduated college in 2004, I’ve moved to a new apartment every year with the exception of two years. When lease renewal time came around, I always felt I could find a better apartment, a better “fit” for me, or a more fulfilling roommate situation. (In fact, as I’m writing this, I’m thinking about how great a new, bigger apartment would be, despite having just moved three months ago.) Besides all the money I spent on moving costs, there was the psychological toll of moving. Moving can be traumatic and stressful. Every year, I’d lug all my belongings from one Brooklyn neighborhood to another, until I had exhausted all the neighborhoods and at last, borough-hopped to Queens.

Recently, I realized that maybe this was some pattern and indicative of something deeper. And apparently, there’s even a term for this chronic need to find the next best thing. It’s called “the grass is always greener syndrome” or GIGS for short.

This syndrome, “the grass is greener” dilemma,  is not just limited to moving. It can affect all areas of your life. Ever known a chronic job hopper? Or someone who’s always “falling in love” with someone new? I’m not judging this behavior, and in fact, having a desire to improve your life is natural and evolutionarily adaptive. But it gets self-destructive when it infuses everything else in your life with doubt. How can you enjoy a relationship, friendships, a job when you’ve got a nagging feeling that it could be better?

When I moved to LA a year ago, I had all these grand hopes for changing my life. I imagined I’d be more relaxed, eating avocados, walking on the beach, and writing my screenplays all day long…Uh. Yeah, right. As much as I tried to leave my issues in NYC,  I they joined me in California. I still have trouble motivating myself to write for long stretches of time, I still don’t exercise as much as I should, and more often than not, I opt for Trader Joe’s frozen meals over fresh avocados.

But I guess what I am trying to learn and internalize is that there’s great pleasure to be gained in loving a place, a person, a situation for a long period of time. Finding ways to improve upon something and being at peace with “what is.” (This is new-agey Jane coming out now.)

There’s an Eckhart Tolle quote that really speaks to this:

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” – Eckhart Tolle

 

The Difficult Simplicity of You Celebrating You

October 20, 2014 By in Friendships Tags: , , Leave a comment

Have you ever wanted to become somebody else?

Perhaps you’re at a party and a friend starts telling hilarious jokes or pulls out her best French accent. You suddenly wish you knew more jokes or had a fun accent ready to go as well.

Then you’re scrolling through Facebook and you see an acquaintance with a perfect bikini body who always seems to be drinking Mai Tais in Cancun. And/or you’re slammed with post after post of perfect engagements or amazing job titles. You wonder why you’re single and pasty white from lack of beach time fun..and also, how come you never tried to become an opera singer? Why didn’t you have the idea 10 years ago to begin computer programming or get an MBA?

Jane recently wrote about five things you should leave behind in your twenties. “Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated” slammed me in the face as the hardest lesson I’ve grappled with this year. It’s a difficult lesson when you’re constantly unsure how to celebrate yourself…because you’re not exactly sure who it is you’re celebrating.

I’m an extremely curious person and I’ve spent a lot of life wanting to be everyone at the same time. I’m in a state of constant wonderment about other lifestyles, other careers, and other ways of living. I make decisions about who I am slowly and carefully…and as I’m trying to pick a lifestyle from an endless array of choices, I ignore the lifestyle I’m already living. The hardest person for me to see has always been myself.

As I’ve realized this in my absolute latest twenties, life has gotten slightly easier. Maybe I don’t have to be the person who has tons of jokes up her sleeve or can command a room with a party quirk…maybe I can keep my natural ways of being a great listener and observer instead. That’s more the person I organically am.

And when I turn away from Facebook for awhile, and alternatively enjoy a morning mediation, I even feel comfortable alone with myself in the moment, far away from the stress of who I might become.

Perhaps, like me, you’ve had trouble knowing how to celebrate yourself. A major key is to find the difference between two desires: the desire to better who you are and the desire to become a different person. One desire is healthy and will push you forward (even though it may feel scary and difficult at times), but the other desire will scatter your energy and throw you out of balance …because it isn’t you.

Bettering yourself can mean anything from embracing your natural tendency towards unique clothing choices to signing up for a half marathon because you love running to letting yourself feel confident while remaining silent. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re not naturally sarcastic, or naturally size 0, or a naturally a great software developer.

Yes, of course you can change, but it’s easiest to change into the best version of the self that comes naturally, easily, when no one is looking.

Celebrate that person, no matter where and who you are right now.

 

 

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