What does it mean when you pursue people who don’t call you back, are flaky, or seem only ho hum about you?
It’s scary to allow only the best into your life and to let go of the mediocre. However, in these busy times, when every person and article and job duty and creative endeavor is demanding your attention, how can you allow anything else?
An article called “Fuck yes or no!” on Mark Manson’s fantastic website basically sums up whether to go forward with dating someone. Start by asking yourself: do I want to be with this person? Is your answer ‘Fuck yes!’? Ok, proceed. Hesitant? Stand down. But you have to glean the other person’s answer too, because it works the same in reverse: is the object of your desire saying or seeming to say ‘fuck yes!’ to you? Great. But are they not returning your calls? Are they sporadic and vague? That’s not a ‘fuck yes!’ my friend, and so it’s a no.
It’s a painful truth, and it’s in no way a perfect truth. Of course people change and grow. Of course you can work on things together. Of course, some things are a ‘fuck yes!’ at first lustful sight, but then turn into an ‘umm, no.’ And occasionally vice versa…but that’s rare. I’s best to start strong.
Mark says “There’s a grey area in dating… a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.” He continues to talk about how most dating advice exists to ‘fix’ the grey area…but the grey area mean it’s already a no go! How much simpler is everything when you actually heed that advice??
In your thirties, what you used to tolerate in your twenties becomes less tolerable. That’s why it’s important to first know what you want and who you are as best you can. Make your feelings clear to yourself and then you can figure out whether your answers to everything- not just dating, but friendships, career choices, creative projects- are a major ‘fuck yes!’ or an ‘ummm..hmm.’ And then ask yourself whether that other person or project seems to to be loudly calling your name as well with an ‘absolute fuck yes, for sure!’
Proceed accordingly. Celebrate your choices. It can sometimes be just that simple.