Category Archives: Relationships

Have You Found Yourself Not Going Out Much After You Turned 30?

January 2, 2015 By in Friendships, Grab Bag, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , 23 Comments

It’s a funny thing- a day or two before New Years Eve, my roommates asked me if I was going to any kind of party or bar or would watch the ball drop on the big day and I was immediately just like ‘no.’

I didn’t feel at all bad about it. In fact, I didn’t feel one teeny weeny eentsy weentsy bit bad. I was actually relieved. I liked the idea of doing nothing on New Years Eve.

And both of them agreed. ‘No one seems to be doing anything for New Years,’ they said happily. They both had no particular plans- one of them was going to a friends house where they’d have some wine, but that was it. It was almost a gleeful realization- we don’t necessarily have to do anything for New Years and we’re still happy.

I actually ended up working a small but well-paying event on New Years Eve and then spending the rest of the night (the last 15 minutes of 2014) with my mom. We stayed in and watched the ball drop on tv. It was peaceful.

At first I thought it was a ‘being single on New Years Eve’ thing but that didn’t seem to be it at all. Many of my other friends who were in relationships or even married had a similar experience. ‘I stayed in. It was nice.’ was the most popular answer to the New Years Eve question.

And I wondered, ‘does this come with the territory of the 30s?’

For me, it doesn’t really have anything to do with the 30s. It started in my 20s. I’ve never been a huge clubber. I love house parties and chill bars, and can definitely throw back a few drinks, but even when I was 21, I was never a major partier. But perhaps it’s easier to admit that in the 30s.

Our awesome blogger friend Karen over at Confetti and Curves (she’s a sweetheart and has an incredible beauty blog) interviews other bloggers all the time with multiple questions- but my favorite is always: Describe your ideal Saturday night. The answers are just about always in favor of staying in, or going out but keeping things chill:

“At the ripe old age of 32, I’d rather spend the night in then go out. My Husband and I may just go to the bookstore and hang out, play video games, and order take out. I like to keep it low key since my weeks between school and work are so hectic.” -Jamie, http://www.sincerelymissdesign.com

“Casual dinner and a movie out (with a GIANT bucket of buttered popcorn), followed by relaxing on the couch with more TV. (I love TV, what can I say?)” –Amber, https://amberunglamor.wordpress.com/ (I love this answer!)

“Pyjamas + Duvet + My Boyfriend + Chinese takeaway = Perfect Night in.” -Amy, www.blondeamy.wordpress.com

“Takeaway, a great film & a bottle of Prosecco.” -Laura, www.littlelauras.com

“On an ideal Saturday night, the kids are getting along with each other and agree to help me clean up our messes before we all sit down and watch a movie together.” -Ashley, www.phytopretty.com

“A night in with food, comfort and a good conversation.” -Hajara, https://chocolatefrosst.wordpress.com

And the list goes on. It’s fascinating.

Sometimes I wonder- Is it just more acceptable now to stay in more often than go out? Are people just more comfortable admitting it when they’re older? Or does it just seem like a trend to me but actually isn’t one at all?

Are you guys going out less in your 30s? And are you happy about it? Or do you feel like you’re missing out?

Or are you out partying right this second and way too drunk to even read this post? It is Friday night, after all.

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Last year I actually did go to a party on New Years Eve with some coworkers in Indianapolis (we traveled there for work). After working all day, it ended up being lot of fun after all. For sure, staying in isn’t always the best answer 😉

Best Things About Being In Your 30s- The Lists

December 11, 2014 By in Career, Friendships, Money, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Ah, the ubiquity of Buzzfeed lists…love ’em or hate ’em, they’re all over Facebook and Twitter, and links to them seem to pop up everywhere. But are Buzzfeed lists (or lists along those lines) just click bait, or can they actually tell us something about our lives?

Jane and I are always looking for lists of descriptive thirties traits, findings and meanings- anything thirties related really- and when we do searches for the thirties, invariably there’s a Buzzfeed list or two right on Google’s front page. So today I read through a Buzzfeed article titled “27 Underrated Things About Being In Your Thirties.”

As I read through a list of statements and memes capturing those statements, I started to feel more and more confused and anxious..mainly because everything seemed so perfectly tied with a big red bow, and my life didn’t seem to be where it should be compared to the list. My god, it’s Buzzfeed! BUZZFEED! Buzzfeed shouldn’t make you upset!  But yet, dammit, it did.

And it wasn’t just me! The comments below were achingly funny and painful..starting with someone saying, “This made me feel a whole lot worse about my life.” Which was followed up by 186 likes and a whole lot of agreement, including “You are not alone, friend. I’m really depressed now about everything every other 30-something is having/doing that I’m not” and “I’m 40, and most of this just made me want to crawl into a hole and die.”

So below are some of the statements that stuck out at me. Try not to want to crawl into a hole and die. You’re not alone, friend 🙂

3. Chances are that you’re making more money now.

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I’m making more money now, yes, but I know a lot of people who aren’t, and this statement still made me nail-bitingly nervous.

4. Which means you can afford actual furniture that’s not from Ikea.

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What? ALL my furniture is from Ikea! Ikea is AWESOME! (Ok, IKEA isn’t awesome, but it is frigging CHEAP!) And what is that Soho loft pictured above with the vintage-chic walls and exposed brick? I mean, come on now!

8. You give zero fucks, so you dance however you want!

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Umm…not yet at that ZERO fucks stage…maybe LESS fucks? And me dancing however I want wouldn’t be good for anyone..

10. At work, you’re not some assistant bitch anymore, you’re a BOSS.

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Though I know people who’ve climbed the career ladder and match this description..I also know lots of people who are assistants, or who still aren’t sure about their career yet.. I am not necessarily a BOSS, though I am self-employed, so maybe this fits me more than I believe..I can play around with it..

12. Any dating you do is less messy, because you know what you want and you demand it.

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Umm, no?

13. And you wind up in much healthier relationships.

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Hmm…this one just feels presumptuous. Also, this is such a random photo! You think it’s the author? Are these people two random celebrities I don’t recognize?

17. You’ve found a group of friends who are the most amazing people you’ve ever met.

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Also a random photo. And I think the author got this idea from a Sex and the City binge…in fact, this photo should’ve been Samantha and Charlotte and Carrie and Miranda. The thirties are where I hear the most gripes about LACK of friendship. People are all like ‘where have my friends gone??’ Umm, babies, marriage, moving, high-stress jobs, people giving ZERO fucks…these things steal friends…

24. You’re no longer afraid of change…

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Damn it, change is STILL the the boogeyman in the closet for me! The people who aren’t scared of change don’t know the horrors of when it jumps out and grabs you! It’s so big and bad and mean sometimes…

I’m only sort of kidding here… but change still = mucho scary.

But all jokes aside, when it comes to figuring out what the thirties are to you, I want to just say: Beware of Buzzfeed lists! And stereotypes! And bragging disguised as positivity! And funny memes that are actually bragging disguised as positivity hidden in sadness wrapped in stereotype! (As fun as they may sometimes be.)

Being Kind To Your Friends’ Relationships

December 10, 2014 By in Relationships Tags: , , , Leave a comment

As I moved into my late 20’s/early 30s, many of my friends partnered up, settled down and/or started families.  It simply comes with the thirty-something territory. When our close friends get involved with someone, it can be tricky to navigate the new dynamics – do we like our friend’s partner? Do we feel they are the right fit for our friend? In the beginning, we may analyze the new guy or girl and his/her actions, read their texts, and basically become a sounding board for our friend. But as the friend’s relationship with their new partner deepens over time, we usually step aside on the analyzing and discussing because their relationship has reached a different stage.

Eventually though, relationships will hit rocky patches. It’s inevitable. And here’s what I want to talk about today. Too often, when we gripe to our friends and acquaintances about our relationships, they try to support us by saying things like, “Are you really happy?,” “You can do better,” or “You deserve someone who fits you 100%,” and “Don’t settle.” It’s a natural instinct, right? To help our friends by pointing our that they are Queens and deserve only the best.

Here’s the thing: I believe that while these comments can seem supportive, in many cases they may be more harmful than helpful. Clearly, if your friend is in a terrible relationship where she feels belittled, disrespected, or scared – then yes, you want to help your friend realize she’s in a bad relationship. And of course, any good relationship should be one in which you’re with someone who you love and who loves you, who respects you, who supports you, and also fulfills whatever deep need you may have for your particular loving, intimate relationship.

But, a lot of times I think we should remind our friends that relationships involve work. They are not all work, of course, but there’s a healthy amount of learning to communicate with a new person. I really believe that a lot of people give up too soon. It’s hard to find someone you click with. And at the end of the day, you’re not going to find 100% of what you want in a relationship. Show me someone that says they’ve found that, and I’ll show you someone who’s not very self-aware. I believe you should enjoy and “click” with your partner probably something like 80% of time.

I got to thinking about all of this when I read an article yesterday, and before you read the title and say “Oh no, he didn’t…” – I suggest you give it a read.  It’s titled “The Good-Enough Marriage.”

The author cites a fascinating study about happiness in marriages and the use of social media:

“In a study in the February issue of Computers and Human Behavior, the authors noted that those who didn’t use social media sites at all ‘reported being 11.4 percent happier with their marriage than heavy social media users. And heavy social media users were 32 percent more likely to think about leaving their spouse, compared with 16 percent for a nonuser.’ “

This is all to say that input, from social media, friends, etc. can be dangerous. It can make us doubt ourselves, doubt our feeling, experience FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) because we think we’re not in the ‘right’ relationship.

So what can you do to be kind to your friends relationship? Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and the author of this article says it best here:

“Remember that when we offer comfort by belittling someone else’s spouse, we do damage to their marriage—an entity that we did not found, and one that exists independently of each. The temptation to do this is very strong (and often fed by one of the spouses). I myself am guilty. To be sure, some marriages must end—but not so many as we’ve witnessed.

Second, be gentle…We do harm when we fail to esteem others’ unions, fragile though they may be. Praise those aspects of others’ marriages that merit it. A bruised reed we ought not break…We forget that marriage is bigger than two people—two frail lovers. It is about sacrifice. It is your own project for the world.” – Mark Regnerus

Beautiful words. I’ll definitely try and be more open-minded when a friend tells me about their relationship woes. And also take advice given to me with a grain of salt.

How To Be a Third Wheel

November 19, 2014 By in Friendships, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

The other day I went to a Barbecue in upstate New York. It was hosted by a close friend of mine and her boyfriend. When I got there, my friend said to me apologetically, “you’re going to meet a lot of people you don’t know.” What she didn’t mention was “you’re going to meet a lot of people you don’t know…and all of their significant others who you also don’t know.”

Once I went inside, I figured out that everyone at the BBQ was either married or engaged. And I felt very, very single. And very much like a third wheel.

This made me want to hide.

This made me want to hide away. At home. Somewhere inside my hoodie.

I didn’t realize that married and engaged couples would become the majority once I turned thirty. When I was in my twenties and would go to parties, I seem to remember a fair mix of singles and couples present. I also remember lots of alcohol being thrown down, and lots of stumbling home at 3am…or later. Was it a different world back then? After the BBQ this month, I caught the Metronorth back to Queens at the wee hour of 7pm (!)…with a nice newlywed couple who held hands as they told me the story of how they met.

To be fair, I was half of a couple for just about the entirety of my twenties…a serial monogamist from 21 to 29. And I basically saw the world of my twenties through ‘couple-eyes’ (yes, this is a thing)…which for me then meant: half of a couple = the definition of who I am.

So I didn’t totally get the whole third wheel stigma thing.

When I was part of a couple, I actually loved hanging out with single friends. I mean, it was fun to double date, but when I had a single friend hang out with me and my boyfriend at the time, I loved it just as much. All I wanted was for my friend to feel welcome and comfortable, single or not. A third wheel has this strange solo definition- they’re an extra piece- suddenly we have… a tricycle? A whole new entity. But that entity doesn’t have to be bad. I never thought it was bad before.

Of course, I very much understand the third wheel stigma- ‘couple-alone-time’ is important (as much as regular alone-time)- and a third person tagging along uninvited to a date night walk along the beach would probably not be the best. But the key word here is ‘uninvited.’ When you’re a third person invited along with a couple, you’re not a tag-along, you’re a guest. You’re a friend.

But when I first became single again, a few months ago, I didn’t feel like a guest. No matter how much a couple tried to make me feel included, I felt like I was invading their space and time. I felt like a lonely half who needed another. A missing piece. An extra part.

It took me awhile to remember how much I enjoyed hanging with single people when I was half of a couple…how much I wanted them to NOT feel like third wheels. It took me awhile to remember that they weren’t third wheels to me then…I saw them as full people- totally complete on their own. It’s weird how hard it is to see yourself the way you see others. Why would a couple be better than a single? What does that even mean?

I didn’t end up having a bad time at the barbecue. I’ll admit, I felt sad at first…wistful for coupledom. But then I started to have fun, once I settled in. I began to ask questions. I talked to my friend…and her boyfriend. I relaxed and ate barbecue. And I started to let go of looking at myself as an extra. I listened to stories… how couples met, where they lived, what they did. I enjoyed my ride home on the Metronorth with the newlyweds, who had a great first-meeting story and were both super nice. And I stopped feeling like a third wheel. And I stopped feeling alone. I didn’t feel like half a couple. I just felt like me.

 

 

Are the People You Date Just “Tolerating” You?

October 22, 2014 By in Relationships Leave a comment

What does it mean when you pursue people who don’t call you back, are flaky, or seem only ho hum about you?

It’s scary to allow only the best into your life and to let go of the mediocre. However, in these busy times, when every person and article and job duty and creative endeavor is demanding your attention, how can you allow anything else?

An article called “Fuck yes or no!” on Mark Manson’s fantastic website basically sums up whether to go forward with dating someone. Start by asking yourself: do I want to be with this person? Is your answer ‘Fuck yes!’? Ok, proceed. Hesitant? Stand down. But you have to glean the other person’s answer too, because it works the same in reverse: is the object of your desire saying or seeming to say ‘fuck yes!’ to you? Great. But are they not returning your calls? Are they sporadic and vague? That’s not a ‘fuck yes!’ my friend, and so it’s a no.

It’s a painful truth, and it’s in no way a perfect truth. Of course people change and grow. Of course you can work on things together. Of course, some things are a ‘fuck yes!’ at first lustful sight, but then turn into an ‘umm, no.’ And occasionally vice versa…but that’s rare. I’s best to start strong.

Mark says “There’s a grey area in dating… a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.” He continues to talk about how most dating advice exists to ‘fix’ the grey area…but the grey area mean it’s already a no go! How much simpler is everything when you actually heed that advice??

In your thirties, what you used to tolerate in your twenties becomes less tolerable. That’s why it’s important to first know what you want and who you are as best you can. Make your feelings clear to yourself and then you can figure out whether your answers to everything- not just dating, but friendships, career choices, creative projects- are a major ‘fuck yes!’ or an ‘ummm..hmm.’ And then ask yourself whether that other person or project seems to to be loudly calling your name as well with an ‘absolute fuck yes, for sure!’

Proceed accordingly. Celebrate your choices. It can sometimes be just that simple.

"Fuck yes!"

Saying yes!

Taking Yourself on a Date

October 8, 2014 By in Relationships 4 Comments

The other day I made a secret plan. I picked out a movie I wanted to see, researched the nearest movie theater to my hotel (I’m still working in Dallas), and figured out the best time to go to the theater. I was going to go to a movie alone, something I’ve never done before.

You see, as much as I enjoy my own company, I’ve just never been good at trying totally new activities on my own. I usually let other people introduce me to new experiences. Once I’ve done something a few times, it gets a lot easier to continue, but it’s always difficult to begin. I go running alone, and I usually exercise alone, and I can even go on tours of cities alone and explore museums alone, but I’d never gone to the movies alone…and since I’d never done that before, I wasn’t sure if I ever would.

So I decided that it was time to take myself on a movie date. It was quite an exciting thought. I’m single right now for the first time in over 5 years, and I want to spend some time getting to know myself better – what better way to do that then to take myself out?

So I got into the date mindset. I made sure I picked a movie I’d wanted to see for awhile. I arranged for the hotel shuttle to pick me up, put on my favorite music before I left and exercised in my room for a bit. Then I picked out clothes for myself that made me feel good and fixed my hair. When I got to the theater, I put my phone away and explored the bar. Then I sat where I wanted to sit and ate the movie snacks I wanted to eat. When the movie ended, I stayed put for all of the credits and let everything soak in. It was kind of glorious.

The movie was amazing and the experience was even better. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen a movie alone sooner. It was a great date! Woohoo!

Haha, I guess the idea of taking myself on a date had seemed scary and depressing in the past. And maybe the whole thing could’ve been scary or depressing…like any date. But this outing had been fun and enlightening.

Hopefully I’ll go out with myself again soon.

If you’ve been thinking of taking yourself out solo, I say go for it, even if you’re feeling hesitant. It’s worth a try! Or have you already done this? What was your experience like?

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I saw ‘Boyhood’ at the Magnolia theater in Dallas. Brilliant movie- filmed over 12 years…quite possibly one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.