Author Archives: janersays

Friendship in Your 30s (And in a New City!)

August 17, 2016 By in Grab Bag Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s fair to say that Los Angeles is a new city for me, but it feels like one though I’ve moved here nearly three years ago. I like it a TON more than I did before, and I finally feel like I have a bit of a life groove going, so that is good. But I still don’t have many close friends here. I have a lot of social friends and acquaintances, but not many deep friendships. I do think that’s because deep friendships take time, but I also think being in my 30s and living in LA have affected it as well.

I wasn’t thinking too much about my friends here until I signed up to do more stand-up comedy shows. If you’re a new comic, you generally do either open mics or “bringer” shows. They are called “bringer” shows, because you have to bring 3-5 friends to come support you. Now this seems like a do-able task, because most people have 3 friends who would be down to come out to a show you’re performing in, right? Yes. But here’s the thing. When I had my stand-up debut, I invited everyone I knew in LA, and had a pretty nice turnout. But now, I’m going to be performing the SAME material for probably 6-7 minutes AND whoever comes is going to have to pay the cover fee plus a two drink minimum (comedy club standards).

But will acquaintances/new friends/colleagues come to see you perform more than one in a span of two weeks? As I’ve been pondering how to promote this show, it’s made me wish that I had deeper ties here so that I could have those friends to whom I could say (err…beg?) “Pleaaaaase come see my show! I need you here. And you know I’ve got your back for anything you need.”

I’ve been telling myself that it takes time to make deep roots. And sometimes, it’s okay to have acquaintances and early friendships. That’s exciting too, because you never know which one of those new friends will end up being one of your best friends in five years.

And for any readers in LA, come see my show this Thursday! I’ll buy ya a drink?

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“Their Roaring Thirties” Book

August 9, 2016 By in Career 1 Comment

I was reading an article today that referenced a 30-something woman who graduated from Harvard, couldn’t find a job and was living with her parents until she had her own business success story. Apparently, she challenged the makeup industry by a way to customize and create your own makeup using a 3D printer. Pretty awesome, huh?  But the article didn’t mention her by name, so I was forced to hit up Google for some help. From what I can find, I believe this awesome woman is Grace Choi, the founder of the cosmetics company Mink.

During my Google searching to find out who this woman was, I stumbled upon publicity for this book, published by a Forbes imprint.

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The blurb on the Forbes website describes it here:

Denise Restauri, the founder and CEO of Girlquake and the executive producer of the inaugural Forbes Women’s Summit, knows that women are doing more than looking for a date in their 30s. Their Roaring Thirties: Brutally Honest Career Talk From Women Who Beat The Youth Trap spotlights thirtysomething women powering through sudden changes, workplace sexism, startup stresses, baby questions and much more.

I love it. I love that there’s a book for woman in their 30s that is NOT about finding a man to have a family with.

I’ll post a review once I’ve read it.

Adventures in Stand-Up Comedy

August 2, 2016 By in Career Tags: , , Leave a comment

I’ve always wanted to try stand-up comedy. I just never thought about it seriously. It was at the back of my consciousness for years, but I took no solid steps to get there. It seemed like something only super talented comedy geniuses did. It definitely did not seem like something I could do.

But as I get into my 30s, I’m starting to see very clearly, why NOT me? In lots of different contexts. But specifically in this case, why can’t I be one of those up and coming comedians? Because I know I’m going to see more and more female comics breaking through in the next five years, and maybe some of them will have started when I did.

And why can’t one of them be me? How often do we talk ourselves out of doing things because we don’t think we’ll succeed at them? Or for just a host of other reasons (‘I don’t have time,’ ‘Sounds fun but what’s the point?’).

So, after my breakup last summer, I felt emotionally raw and a little more courageous. I started asking a few friends who had taken stand-up classes about their experiences. I gathered teachers names and more information, but still, couldn’t bring myself to actually sign up.

But a few months ago, I finally signed up for a class. I’m not sure what exactly the tipping point was, but I knew I had amassed enough bits and pieces of ideas to possibly form a stand-up set (they are normally about 7-10 minutes).

The class started in early July and I have my stand-up debut on Sunday.

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What have you always wanted to try but put off? Perhaps taking a writing class, learning a new language, taking an improv class. Ask yourself why you put it off? And why can’t you try whatever ‘it’ is now?

The Sunk Cost Fallacy; Or Why It’s Never Too Late to Change Course

July 29, 2016 By in Career, Relationships Tags: Leave a comment

You know that psychological phenomenon called the sunk cost fallacy?  Basically it’s when you refuse to abandon something (a job, relationship, money investment, etc.) because you’ve already spent so much time or money on it.

As I head into my mid-30s (GULP), I talk to a lot of folks my age who are dissatisfied with their careers or certain aspects of their lives. But they’re hesitant to make a big change because they’re already invested on that path.

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And I get that. I mean, what if you’ve spent a decade being an expert in one field only to realize you really don’t enjoy working in that field? Do you just abandon all that? Or what if you’re in your early 30s and you’ve been in a relationship for six years but realize you’re unhappy but you desperately want kids and you feel the burden of your ticking clock. 

Well. I’m hear to give you permission to completely scrap something you’ve been with/at for years if it makes you unhappy or no longer calls to you. It’s OK. That’s the beauty of life. We are supposed to be constantly in flux.

And if you don’t leave something/someone that in your heart you know isn’t right for you, you’re simply wasting more time – because I guarantee – if your desire is strong and real enough, you will end up going a new direction towards that place anyway. It’s like psychological, subconscious magnetism. 

When I’ve made big decisions in my life – like moving to LA and committing to writing, I would remind myself of the quote “Fortune favors the bold.” And I’ve found it to be true. Moving here and deciding to go to graduate school was the best decision of my life. More opportunities have come my way than I ever could have imagined.

You’ve got to make moves (metaphorically, but literally in my case) to accomplish big things.

 

Can’t Wait to See This Movie

July 25, 2016 By in Grab Bag Leave a comment

The other day my mom told me about a movie she thought I would love – “Don’t Think Twice.” It’s about an improv group, who are also best friends in their 30s, and what happens when one of them has commercial success.

The movie explores what it means to be in your 30s and trying to succeed as an artist.

Here’s the trailer:

There’s a great interview with Mike Birbiglia, the filmmaker, Variety. One of the questions was particularly relevant to being in your 30s. 

Were you interested in depicting how your life changes from your twenties to your thirties? That’s a big shift, and it’s not one that’s often depicted on film. 
Definitely. There’s no way I would have written this in my twenties. I feel like in my twenties, I was chasing this dream of having a sitcom. At a certain point, I realized it wasn’t even my dream. It was everybody else’s dream except for me. I had a sitcom pilot at CBS like eight years ago and when it didn’t get picked up to air, I was left with all this free time. I put my head down and worked on these three one-person shows Off-Broadway and I directed these two feature films, and I feel so lucky that happened. At the time I was crushed. I felt like it was the biggest failure of my life and in retrospect I think it’s the luckiest thing that ever happened to me.

There’s a cultural idea of success in America. Usually people view it as exposure or visibility. You know, being known. In my thirties, I came to realize that success is connecting with people. Helping people. And contributing in some way. It can be for millions of people in TV or in movies, or it could be for twenty people in an improv theater in Minneapolis.

Sage Words of Wisdom

July 11, 2016 By in Grab Bag, Personal Growth Tags: , Leave a comment

This past weekend, I went on a weekend ‘retreat’ with my writer’s group in a small town a little bit inward from the SoCal coast. It was a group of seven of us, and we all know each other from our MFA graduate school writing program. They are my core friends here in Los Angeles, a city which can feel very isolating, so I am very grateful for them.

We had no set goals for our retreat, but I think the hope was that we would write a bit on our personal projects but also socialize and enjoy each other’s company.

We ended up getting no writing done, but it was well worth it. We played Cards Against Humanity, watched cheesy movies on VHS (like the classic Kevin Costner gem ‘Message in a Bottle’), drank wine, and told ghost stories. Basically it was a sleepover for adults.

One of the best activities was organized by my friend (who shall remain nameless in case she wants to stay humble about her amazingness), but basically, we took thirty minutes and each filled out a set of questions about everyone else in the writer’s group. They were questions like “What are this writer’s greatest strengths?” “If this writer was down, what would you say to him/her?” and “Which literary/film/TV character does this writer most remind you of?.” Suffice to say, it was awesome. Imagine getting feedback like that from 7 of your peers who truly care about you and are genuinely filling out these papers in a spirit of love. It’s great and fills your heart bucket.

It was such a cool exercise that not only brought us together, but helped us compare how we saw ourselves with how our friends viewed us.

The same friend who organized the activity told me something that has resonated strongly with me ever since the retreat. She said, “Bloom where you are planted.”

How beautiful is that?

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It was the perfect time for me to hear that. Because lately, I’ve been wondering how I got to where I am. I am working a job that doesn’t utilize my skill sets or passion, and I sometimes find myself wondering if I should be further along by now. When I see pictures of friends’ babies and growing families on Facebook and Instagram, I can’t help but feel a tinge of fear. Perhaps I won’t be lucky enough to have a family of my own, when it’s something I so desperately want.

But I remind myself that you must work to love the life you have. So I guess the gist of this all is – we may not be where we want to be in our 30s. But I believe we’re always exactly where need to be to absorb whatever lesson we are meant to learn. So why not learn to be the flower that blooms out of hardscrabble soil?

 

Saving Money By Living Like You’re in the Depression Era

July 6, 2016 By in Money Tags: , Leave a comment

Growing up, my parents were pretty amazing at saving money. Just to name a few of things they did to save money, they brown-bagged their lunch to work, compared grocery store circulars from several markets before purchasing anything, organized food plans for the week depending on what was on sale, and joined our buildings’ co-op board so that they could be watchdogs on how the building was spending money, which would ultimately affect their maintenance costs and property values.

They instilled a lot of wisdom in me, but more than anything, the idea that has stayed with me the most is: it’s not how much money you make, it’s how much money you save. 

The thirties are a time for building your nest egg, creating a solid financial foundation for yourself and potentially your family. And since I don’t make a lot of money (right now…), I take this adage to heart.

Lately, I’ve been really contemplating every single purchase I make. I try to be mindful about each dollar leaving my wallet. From the smallest items (gum, a bottle of diet coke, etc.) to larger purchases like clothing or new shoes.

This reminds me of a quote my parents used to repeat to me whenever I wanted to buy something new (well, not always, but often enough that I remember it.)

They would say,

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.”

Until today, I didn’t realize this was a common household aphorism during the Great Depression. But it works and always. Especially in light of the whole Marie Kondo organizing movement of keeping only items that “spark joy” and also of a surge of people adopting a more minimalist lifestyle. Check out this woman’s blog, Make It Do. She decided to not buy anything for a full year except what she used up or wore out.

For me, I’m not going to be as extreme, but I do want to be mindful about every dollar I spend, in much the same way that I try to be mindful about everything I eat.

Would you adopt a spending diet? What’s your relationship to money?

When You Turn 37…

June 8, 2016 By in Grab Bag Tags: , 2 Comments

…Something pretty neat happens. Statistically speaking, that is.

Apparently, when you turn 37, you hit the tipping point where half the U.S. population is younger than you, and half is older than you. I discovered this in the fascinating article, Why 37 Is A Very Special Age.  This information was gathered by Nathan Yau of Flowing Data using estimates from the 2014 U.S. Census data. He created a cool, interactive infographic you can play around with here – to see what percentage of the U.S. population is older/younger than you according to your age. For me, being 34, 55% of the population is older than me.

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It’s something I never thought about before, but found interesting upon reading about it. I’m curious how the figures would be different if we took into account the entire world population.

It got me thinking about my time here, on this planet, and how quickly it goes. But not in a scary, OMG cue: existential angst type of way. More in a GOA principle way. GOA principle is a term that one of my esteemed UCLA professors Howard Suber coined, and the acronym stands for the “Get Off Your Ass.” Basically, get shit done. Go create and make. Write that movie, start that business, apply for that dream job, etc.

All of this relates to a quote I read this morning – from a commencement speech.

“There are 30,000 days in your life. When I was 24, I realized I’m almost 9,000 days down. There are no warm-ups, no practice rounds, no reset buttons. Your biggest risk isn’t failing, it’s getting too comfortable. Every day, we’re writing a few more words of a story. I wanted my story to be an adventure and that’s made all the difference.”

-Drew Houston, CEO of Dropbox, MIT Commencement Address, June 7th 2013

So, I guess the moral of the story is: continue to go forth into the world, writing your own story, taking bold, imperfect action, and have unexpected adventures, and above all – make your life joyous.

Dating in Your 30s When You Want Children

May 28, 2016 By in children, Relationships Tags: , 1 Comment

How do you date when you’re 34 and you know you want children? Not when you have the feeling of ‘well, if I find the right guy and the timing lines up,’ but the unexplainable feeling deep in your gut that motherhood is a life experience that is a very much a part of you, even if you haven’t gotten close to experiencing it. Well, I’m 34, I know I want children, and I can tell you it’s tough.

It’s tough to keep this deep desire hidden, closeted away because you know that  rationally, it’s weird/awkward/too soon and quite frankly, somewhat unfair, to bring up kids and family in the first six months of a new relationship. That’s a huge question to bring to the table when you’re just starting to get to know someone. Obviously, the very basic question of if you both want to marry and have children should be addressed. But you can’t quite talk about it at length without feeling like an intense weirdo. At least I can’t.

So how can you let the natural evolution of getting to know someone happen? How can you just play it cool? Is there even a point to playing it cool?

A few of my close friends have children or are pregnant, and for so long, our life paths were linked up – we could commiserate when we hated our jobs, or celebrate when one of us got engaged – but now, things have shifted in a big way. I can’t understand what it’s like to be married for a few years and perhaps hit a snag, or what it’s like to experience that fugue state, first year of new motherhood.

Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong – how did I get to be 34 and so close to that danger zone when I know I want children? Thirty-seven is when fertility seems to decline in a major way (according to a good old Google search). Okay, let me be honest with myself. I do know what happened. I was in a six year long relationship and I let time slide, not quite realizing how all that time spent would affect my life down the line.

While people say “You have time!,” they don’t really get it. Sure, I have time to have a baby, but there’s all that other stuff that comes before baby – getting to know someone, letting your relationship evolve and finally getting to that point. And then, you hopefully want a year or two of experiencing married life without a new baby…so no, there isn’t time.

So, what does one do? All I know is that motherhood will be a part of my life. And if I don’t make it naturally in time, there are other options. Adopting and fostering are the two that come to mind.

I think about the idea of motherhood as a concept a lot lately. It can mean a lot of different things that aren’t conventional. It’s about taking care of someone – imparting knowledge, helping bring someone to their highest potential. And there’s a lot of ways to do that.

Ambition in Your Thirties

May 11, 2016 By in Career Tags: , , , 1 Comment

Do you think your career ambition has declined in your 30s? According to a study by the Families and Work Institute, which this article Why You’re Losing Ambition As You Age elaborated on, workers begin losing their ambition to get promoted or seek out more responsibilities around age 35. The researchers attributed this decline to people having children.

It makes sense – having children is like having a second job. Duh. Your time and energy is devoted to raising this small person (or people).

But what if you don’t get married or have children? Does your career ambition also decline in your mid-30s?

Though I’m not yet 35, I’m pretty close, and while I don’t think my ambition has declined, it has changed. It’s morphed from me seeking external measures of success to me seeking a deep desire to be fulfilled in my work. Since I’m a writer, that means pursuing interesting ideas and projects for stories and working with people who share a similar vision. Making six figures and owning a home is still exciting to me, but I see those things as secondary benefits to doing something in my life that feels uniquely suited to me and that benefits people.

I’ve also seen this shift in many of my 30-something friends. I have friends in corporate jobs who are considering opening up their own businesses, presumably more fulfilling, but initially less lucrative. I also have friends who have decided to only work part-time as they raise their children.

So what do you think? Has your ambition for wealth, power, career success lessened in your 30s?

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My One Piece of Advice for Younger Folks

April 19, 2016 By in Friendships Tags: 1 Comment

What’s the number one piece of advice you’d give your younger self?

I think about this question sometimes, but I’ve never nailed down a very clear answer for myself. But a few nights ago, I was at dinner with a group of new friends of mine, who all knew each other (for the most part) from high school. I was talking to two of the guys, one in his mid-30s, and the other in his early 40s. We started talking about how hard it is to make new friends at this age. By ‘this’ age, I think the unspoken assumption was that this was your 30s and above.

It was interesting to hear men talk about this problem too. One of the guys mentioned that  the last good friend he made was a worker at his local Dunkin Donuts. They realized they shared a similar sense of humor and started hanging out. I love that story!

Our most fertile time for making friendships seems to be when we’re young and in school. There seems to be something especially fertile about the high school environment for making new friends. We’re so vulnerable and open to the world.

Anyway. Back to my one piece of advice. I’d tell myself to hold on tight to those friendships. I mean, I did and that’s the best thing I ever did, but I would have tried even harder. I had one best friend in high school who felt as close to a soulmate as I had experienced, and who I kept up a very close friendship with until our early-mid 20s. But we had a devastating falling out. Probably the biggest regret of my life was not trying harder to make that work.

But the point is – you’ll never get the chance to make friends like the friends you’ll make from when you’re pre-18. You can’t know at that age that those are the people who will be the emotional backbone of your adult life. They will be your memory keepers. So I would say to my teen self – make friends – as many as you can – and hold on tight.

Living Far Away From Close Friends and Loved Ones

April 7, 2016 By in Friendships Tags: , Leave a comment

When I moved to California two and a half years ago, I left behind my parents and a lot of my closest friends. It was the toughest physical move I’ve ever had to make, because I left a robust support network to live in a city where I knew I’d struggle to make new friends. The first year was incredibly rough, I felt vulnerable and desperate to meet people. Yet, since I moved from NYC with my boyfriend at the time, I spent a lot of time with him and didn’t make as strong of an effort as I could have to make new friends. So some of the struggle could have been alleviated had I made more of an effort. But…

Flash-forward to 2.5 years of living in LA, and I feel much more contented and happy in my support network here. Having a weekly writer’s group has really helped with that, as well as meeting new people through the UCLA connections I’ve made from graduate school.

However, my closest friends are still my friends from home. And I miss them. A lot. Sometimes I don’t even realize just how much I miss them until I re-connect with one of them. For instance, I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with one of my closest friends from high school, and it felt like my heart battery was charged up again.

The more I come to face the reality that I may be in LA for quite a long time, the more I want to find ways to keep close to my old friends. And I read a startling fact about close friendships and face-to-face time that made me want to buy a plane ticket home to NYC stat.

In the book The Village Effect: How Face-to-Face Contact Can Make Us Healthier and Happier written by Susan Pinker, she writes:

In a study of the effect of Internet use on social relationships in adults aged eighteen to sixty-three, Dutch psychologist Thomas Pollet found that time spent using online social networks resulted in more online contacts but didn’t translate into genuine offline connections or a feeling of closeness. Indeed, not only is online contact experienced as less fun, but without face-to-face contact, social relationships decay and are soon replaced by others… “Emotional closeness declines by around 15 percent a year in the absence of face-to-face contact, so that in five years someone can go from being an intimate acquaintance to the most distant outer layer of your 150 friends,” says Dunbar.

Isn’t it crazy to hear that emotional closeness decreases by 15% every year you don’t see your friends face-to-face? When I heard the data quantified like that, it really shook me up. Would it change the way you travel? Because for me, it makes me want to schedule more girls weekends with my friends out of town, and make sure I have a solid two-week trip home to NYC planned at least once a year. I never want to decline 15% each year in closeness with my best buds.

How Many Serious Relationships Did You Have Before You Got Married?

March 31, 2016 By in Relationships Tags: , , 2 Comments

518903791_c_570_411Did you see the recent NY Times article 13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married? Basically, the gist of the article is that you and your partner should sit down and ask these questions before you say “I do.” The questions are interesting and different from what you might expect. The first question surprised me: Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose? That doesn’t seem like a question I’d think to ask, but I guess it makes sense. Having similar communication styles seem to be one of the most important barometers of if a couple will stand the test of time.

The most interesting question to me was: Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us? 

I was a bit confused by this question. Personally, I would assume all relationships with exes would help a couple – because you’d have all that past experience that you’ve hopefully learned and grown from. But, apparently, it’s more complicated than that. Some research points to the idea that if you’ve had more serious relationships before getting married, you have a higher risk for divorce and lower marital quality.

As stated in the article:

Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, pointed to research his organization has sponsored that indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. (This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones.)

I can kind of understand it though it strikes me as counter-intuitive. I guess the idea of divorce isn’t as scary if you’ve already had a breakup for a relationship that was years long. Last year, I ended a 6+ year relationship and it felt like a divorce, without the added stress of having to have a legal separation. Maybe the logic of the research is that people who’ve survived many breakups of serious relationships understand that we are malleable as people, and can come out the other side, so divorce becomes a less scary option.

How many serious relationships did you have before you married? Since I’m not married myself, I can’t answer this question yet. But if I look at my friends’ marriages, it seems to me they all had about 1-2 serious relationships before they got married. I wondered if that’s considered “many” by the researchers.

The Best Part of Being in Your 30s

March 24, 2016 By in Grab Bag, Personal Growth Tags: , Leave a comment

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I’m 34 now, and I feel that in the last four years, I’m more myself than ever before. I remember when I used to feel like I had to be someone else – especially on dates. Now, I realize what a time waster it is to be anyone other than who you are. Eventually, “you’re” going to surface.

The phrase “self-possession” comes to mind. It seems a perfect way to describe what you emotionally acquire in your thirties. The Merriam-Webster definition is:

a state of mind or a manner marked by easy coolness and freedom from uncertainty, diffidence, or embarrassment. confidence stresses faith in oneself and one’s powers without any suggestion of conceit or arrogance, self-possession implies an ease or coolness under stress that reflects perfect self-control and command of one’s powers

I love that self-possession “implies an ease or coolness under stress that reflects perfect self-control and command of one’s powers.” Maybe that’s what getting older is about – learning how to harness your personal gifts. I only regret that I didn’t get here sooner. What if I had the self-possession that I have now in my 20s?

On Wanting Children

March 12, 2016 By in Family Tags: , Leave a comment

Yesterday, I was walking through the mall on a ‘self-care’ mission. I was hoping to treat myself to a new outfit to wear to my birthday drinks that night.

As I was walked by the Build-a-Bear workshop, I saw a little blonde girl clutching her mother’s hand. She looked like a mini me – light blonde hair, blue eyes – and there was something in her demeanor that reminded me of myself. Now to preface, I see children out and about all the time, but this time felt different. I didn’t see her and think “Oh, so cute!” or give her a goofy wave like I sometimes do with adorable kids. This time, I felt a pang in my gut. I wanted to be clutching my daughter’s hand. I wanted that relationship.

This fear/sadness raced through my body as I walked passed the small girl and her mom. I worried that it wouldn’t happen for me, that this experience – such a huge, life changing one – would never be mine.

Maybe it’s having just turned 34, when my own mother had me. Or knowing that the clock is officially ticking…and much louder than it was at 29 or 31.

People tell me that I’m in control of this – that I can have kids on my own. Just this week someone asked me if I had a “male best friend” who I could ask to have a  child with. (I don’t.) And while I know I could go it alone, that’s not a realistic option for me. I don’t have much money, and truthfully, I still feel like a kid myself.

The hopeful side of me thinks it’s inevitable that I’ll have children. That’s how I’ve always looked at it anyway – that it’s somehow just going to happen. But as the time ticks by, I wonder – “is there more I could be doing?” “have I made the wrong choices in my life to lead me to this point?”

I do feel like I still have a solid 3-5 years to have a child, but I’m nervous. It seems like so much would have to change in my life for me to become a mother. I’d have to meet someone, have a stable career with a solid income, and my mental mindset would have to change so much.

But that’s how life is, I suppose. You’re changing in small ways every day but you don’t realize it, until years later, you look back and see how different you’ve become. Those small changes add up in a huge way.

Leaving the mall yesterday, I walked out into the atypical LA rain storm and tried to let the feelings wash away. I soothed myself with the gentle reminder that the universe has a way of aligning things for us.

Where Do People Meet Their Significant Others?

March 4, 2016 By in Friendships, Relationships Tags: , , , Leave a comment

I’m currently reading comedian Aziz Ansari’s “Modern Romance” – a book about how modern relationships form and grow with all the new online dating technology at our disposal. It’s pretty fascinating to see how things have changed.

One of my favorite sections of the book so far explores how people meet their husbands/wives. According to the research cited in the book –

In 1940, the two biggest ways heterosexual Americans met their spouses/significant others was through family (24%) and friends (21%).

Now however, things have changed because we’ve got the internet. Between 2005 and 2012, one third of couples who got married met online. Wowza.

The most interesting surprise for me was that in 1995, the portion of people who met through friends – 40% –  fell drastically in 2010 to 28%.

Personally, I’d much prefer to meet someone through friends than online. And I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. So why is there this big drop? We all still go out with our friends, right? We’re all looking to set our friends up, right?

Maybe it’s that we’re so absorbed in our phones when we go out that we’re not paying much attention to the people at the bar, or at the music or sporting event we’re at. Our little online bubbles provide us with much needed stimulation, but they’re taking away the opportunity to really engage with ‘friends of friends.’ What a shame.

Maybe we’ve become too cynical – and we think we have a better chance online than meeting a new friend at a bar. Or maybe our friends just assume we have our little online dating bubble and they don’t want to interfere.

Whatever the case may be, I say meeting through friends of friends can be one of the best ways to meet a future partner. So if you’re hosting a night out, why not play matchmaker and send some good karma out into the world?

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