When You’re Far From Where You Want to Be

Oh guys, I’ve been in a funk the past couple of days. Over a lot of things, but the overall feeling is that I’m so far from where I want to be at this age (33). I know we’ve talked a lot about this on the blog, and most days I can buoy my spirits by telling myself “You can’t compare yourself to others!” and “Everyone walks their own journey” or a new, personal favorite “Trust the timing of your life.” But some days, those mantras just don’t work. Some days, you just feel down and you can’t help it. That’s been my week.

Why? Well, it’s a lot of things. But the main thing is that ever since I was a little kid, I wanted a big family. I’m an only child without a large extended family, so it makes sense that I would desire that connection. I thought I was on my way to possibly starting my own family – I was engaged, and I figured I’d have children within the next few years. But then we broke up. And man, it’s hard to go through a breakup at this age, because if you want kids and don’t have them already, that ticking clock only gets louder and louder. I’ve been reassured that I have until I’m 37, but that doesn’t provide me much reassurance at all.

I was feeling okay that my career was moving slowly – because A) I chose something incredibly challenging, screenwriting and dramatic writing, and B) I had found my partner with whom I could have children, so that provided some relief. But when the floor fell out from B), it affected how I felt about my slow-moving career. Because now I have this other huge life goal I want to accomplish: having a family. Which distracts me from my writing, and has in fact caused me some legitimate writer’s block. I’ve never really believed in the concept of writers block, but lately, I do feel like my creative well has been parched.

I didn’t realize the extent of my frustration until I reached a tipping point last night while catching up on Season 4 of Homeland. I found myself getting jealous and angry of Carrie (Claire Danes’ character) for having a baby when she doesn’t even want one! It sent me down a spiral of frustration at all those people, err…TV characters…(how about Mindy on The Mindy Project!) who have children who never really wanted them to begin with. Again, I have to bring myself back down with all those mantras and reminding myself “my time is coming.” And also, laugh at myself, of course, because umm…when you’re jealous of TV characters, well…enough said.

So how do you begin to change your life when all your goals seem so far away? I don’t know. For now, I’m trying to take everything hour by hour, day by day, and hope I get to a place someday that feels like home.

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4 responses

  1. I can TOTALLY relate to this. I used to think I didn’t want babies but now I’m starting to change my mind and feeling the biological clock. I know of some friends who’ve solved this issue by having their eggs frozen – extreme but they said it was worth their mental health because they felt a huge weight lifted after having it done. Also, they didn’t have any prospects on the horizon so it took the pressure off of dating to marry.

    I have no answers, especially with the baby clock but what helps me sometimes is remembering that time is a construct of society. Whenever I think about it like that, it calms me down because if time is a construct then it doesn’t really exist. Again, this doesn’t work with babies but it does with my anxiety about career!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just wanted to clarify: NOT suggesting that you freeze your eggs (cause that’s extreme) but wanted to tell you the story because I know so many other women who are going through the same thing. You’re definitely not alone out there!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Janice! I didn’t think you were – but still, I don’t think it’s a bad idea. And I recently heard it’s actually not that expensive these days. I used to think it was $10,000 but now I hear it’s much less. Your comments made me feel better. I’m trying to remember that there’s always the option to adopt or foster down the line, if it gets to that.

    Like

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