Monthly Archives: January 2015

How to not regret your 30s

January 13, 2015 By in Grab Bag Tags: , Leave a comment

About eight months ago, there was a Reddit thread around the question “For those of you 40 or above, what do you regret about your 30s?” Check it out here – it’s definitely worth a read if you don’t mind sifting through a lot of random replies.

The most resonant reply for me was the person who said not to worry about the “shoulds.” I ‘should’ be married by now, I ‘should’ have a  high-paying job by now, I ‘should’ have children by now, etc. Only recently have I started to become more comfortable with ignoring the “shoulds” in my own life. For me though, the “shoulds” I’m concerned about are more day-to-day life stuff – for example, when I tell myself I ‘should’ attend a social function when I really don’t want to.

As I’ve gotten older, I try to do things that bring me joy. If I don’t want to go to a loud party that starts at 10pm because I want to curl up with a good book and drink a glass of wine, then that’s what I do. Same with hanging out with people who don’t make me feel happy or good about myself. I used to tell myself that I ‘should’ spend time with a person, simply because he or she asked me to. Like, ooooh…someone wants to hang out with ME, I have to say yes, because what if I say no and then I don’t get the opportunity to socialize again?! Clearly, that was low self-esteem speaking and something I should analyze in therapy sometime. Thankfully I’m past that stage and now, if someone asks me to hang out and I feel ‘I should want to’ rather than ‘Yay! I want to!’ – I don’t say yes. Time is too valuable these days.

Speaking of time, I loved this commenter’s (handle: mustlovecash) ‘regret’ and advice for us 30-somethings:

Living in a shallow blur, by doing too many things adequately vs. a few meaningful things really, really well. Multitasking is an oxymoron, and your inbox will always be full – that is it’s job. But being excellent in a few cherished things (playing piano, skiing, photography, whatever) gives a lasting reward.

And, overall, one of the most recurring ‘regrets’ in the thread was not saving enough money or not maxing out your 401K options from employers. Laura has talked a lot about saving money on this blog and if you haven’t already started an IRA or Roth IRA, start your research here.

Is There No More Ikea Furniture in Your Thirties?

January 11, 2015 By in Grab Bag Tags: , , , , , , , , , 5 Comments

A friend of mine sent me an article last night saying, “Hey Laura! I saw this and thought of your blog. I don’t know if I’d consider it true, but it strikes me as funny.”

The second I saw that it was a HuffPo article, I was already laughing to myself and getting out my multiple grains of specifically stored HuffPo/Buzzfeed salt. I wrote about a Buzzfeed article- Best Things About Being in your Thirties- The Lists– where I disagreed with most of their list (as did almost all of the commenters who went as far as saying the list made them want to “crawl into a hole and die.” Inspiring stuff.) HuffPo and Buzzfeed have a ton of articles on the thirties and if you read a bunch of them, what’s hilarious is actually that they kind of make their own stereotypes and use them over and over in all their articles. It’s the wacky “Buzzfeed/HuffPo Thirties Universe.”

The article my friend sent me was: “What it’s like to turn 30 in 3 Hilarious Charts.” Let’s go over these hilarious charts and see what we think about HuffPo’s Thirties accuracy 😉 Below is chart 1:

 

o-WHATS-ON-MY-FB-900Ok, this is pretty true…though sometimes I feel there’s still a couple selfies too many making their way onto my FB Newsfeed. But overall, I get it. Lots of babies. Lots of weddings. Less parties.

Moving on, here’s Hilarious Chart 2:

o-HGTV-900 (1)

 

Haha, I definitely agree with the wedding one, and the vomit one is probably about right…but HGTV? I actually had to think about what that stood for for a second..but then again, I’m not super house and home centered.

Speaking of house and home, here’s the next chart, labeled: “And, finally, some awesome perks of being 30? No. More. Ikea. Oh, and zero f*cks given.” 

o-PROPORTIONS-900 (1)

What’s up with HuffPo and Buzzfeed taking Ikea out of the thirties? Ikea is still very much alive and well, thank you HuffPo. Everyone I know agrees….are we out of the life-beyond-Ikea loop? Did people start buying $800 shelving and I missed it? My friend and I agreed that we’re perfectly happy with our Norse god named furniture that breaks down once every 2-5 years. We just buy a differently named Norse god next year. Problem solved.

The shoe thing is absolutely true. And thank god for that.

I’m on the fence about parental advice. Sometimes very much yes. Sometimes very much nooo.

Giving no fucks is wishful thinking. Less fucks perhaps. Definitely less fucks about shoes.

Thoughts? Do you agree with these charts? Find them hilarous? And is anything so true it’s sad? Please weigh in below.

 

 

 

 

If It’s Good Enough for Kate Middleton…

January 9, 2015 By in Grab Bag Tags: , , 3 Comments

Then it’s good enough for me. Err…I guess, right?

I recently came across this old post on the The Telegraph’s news site, Dear Kate Middleton, the best is yet to come. The article is basically a compilation of quotes from notable women in the UK giving Kate unsolicited advice on turning 30. The author mentioned Kate entering her “fourth” decade of living, which stopped me in my tracks, because I keep thinking of this period of my life as my third decade of living. But when you turn thirty, you’re actually beginning your FOURTH decade of living. Have I lost brain cells from too much Merlot, or is this just a common misconception?

Regardless, there were some very nice gems of advice I thought I’d share here:

“Don’t spoil your life by fretting about age while you’re still young. Women in their thirties sometimes panic because they feel it will be a disaster if they don’t get everything – the right partner, children, a successful career. Some women do have all those things, many don’t. There are happy and unhappy people in both groups.” –Wendy Cope, poet

“Best of all, it gets easier to be yourself when you turn 30 – you develop the confidence you longed for but never had in your teens and twenties. You get better at your job, more experienced, more skilful. And forget all those gloom-mongers – doctors among them – who say your brain and body start to deteriorate. I married and had my first baby at 37, then had three more. I launched ChildLine at 46, and hosted a talk show at 62. Go for it, Kate, the best is yet to come.” – Esther Rantzen, Broadcaster and Campaigner

Read more in the article linked above and enjoy these bits of motivational goodness as you head into your weekend!

How To Be a Good Houseguest

January 9, 2015 By in Friendships, Grab Bag Tags: , , , , , , , , 10 Comments

Having houseguests can be both fun and stressful. You have to clean the living room and possibly even the toilet (eek)! You have to blow up the air mattress or pull out the fold out bed or put away all that random clothing you’ve stored in the guest room. You possibly have to entertain and cook extra food. It can be a big ordeal even if the person you have coming over is the coolest person ever.

I understand this, and this is why I strive to be The Best Houseguest Ever. I’ve stayed with people A LOT. I’ve also had people stay with me A LOT. Since I’ve traveled for work for the past 8+ years, and am not put up in a hotel every single time, there’s a lot of back and forth going on with me and coworkers/friends/relatives in other cities.

2014-03-02 22.12.20

So here’s my list of top things you can do to be The Best Houseguest Ever as well. I’m sure you’re a very good houseguest already, but in your thirties you might as well be amazing at it 🙂

Best Houseguest Ever Practices:

  1. Thank your host(s) for letting you stay. They’re going out of their way. The very least you can do is genuinely say thank you. They’re being pretty awesome!
  2. Thank them again. I thank them a lot. It’s amazing how important this is and how many people may not do it. (My friends do, so if you’ve stayed with me, it’s all good). 🙂
  3. Be especially nice if there is a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate that you don’t know very well or at all. This is HUGE. That person can sometimes feel very left out or weird about the whole thing. Go the extra mile and make sure to thank that person too. Go the extra EXTRA mile and ask that person a question..it could be as simple as ‘how was your day?’ or ‘how was work?’ or as much as a full conversation if they want to chat.
  4. If they make you food, offer to help cook or set the table.
  5. If they make you food, offer to wash dishes. They may decline, but at least you tried.
  6. Be neat and don’t leave stuff everywhere.
  7. Put items back where you found them (such as pots or pans if you cooked).
  8. Keep noise levels down if the hosts are asleep (TV, phone calls, etc).
  9. When you leave, fold the bedsheets if you’re on a pullout or an air mattress.
  10. Give them something back. In order to figure out what to give, lets get very honest:

Are the people you’re staying with not making a ton of money? Are they struggling artists or unemployed? These are important questions because they influence whether the person/people you’re staying with will be happy or insulted if you offer certain repayments. Repayments I’ve used have included:

  • Taking your host(s) out to dinner one night
  • Giving your hosts some grocery money if they’ve cooked for you every day (some people may be insulted by this, but you can feel it out based on the above.)
  • Getting your hosts a bottle of wine or champagne
  • Getting your hosts some other small gift, such as a fancy candle or whatever they seem to like.

Hope this helps you enjoy house-guesting a bit more! Have any more Best Houseguest Ever ideas for this post? I’d love to learn them. Happy travels!

Phone a Friend

January 7, 2015 By in Friendships Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment
Phone a Friend

“Have you meditated today? Maybe that would help.”

“I DID meditate, actually. Twice, Jane! I meditated twice already!”

It’s a rare day I meditate twice in a row, especially before noon, but the other day it felt necessary. I woke up in an anxious and out of sorts mood. Ironically, I’d been having a great week. I’d been writing a ton, seeing lots of friends and family, had been off from work for awhile, had run 10 miles the day before, and was blazing through my to do list.

I should be able to calm myself down now that I’m in my thirties, I kept repeating to myself- I should have it together by now- I’m a frigging adult! All my days should be happy and bright! After all, I meditate these days. I’m in the flow of love, dammit!!

But it didn’t matter. It wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough.

So I called Jane- my trusty co-blogger and best friend- and talked it out. I went through all the reasons I felt anxious…most of which were silly and repetitive. It actually took a lot of digging to get to the reasons- at first I was like I have no idea why I’m anxious..why the hell am I anxious???

But then things started to become clear as I talked.

Do you want me to make you feel better about any of your anxious days and actually list some of the dumb things that were upsetting me? A little schadenfreude for ya? 😉 Ok, for you I will.

  • I was upset that someone asked me to choose a new restaurant and I couldn’t think of one..not the perfect one, anyway. This made me anxious. (I told you…so ridiculous!)
  • I felt like I didn’t meditate ENOUGH…or that I couldn’t absorb my meditations. (Ahh, whyyy??)
  • I felt like there was still so much I. Had. To. Doooo. (And my lists included crazy long items like ‘find your real passion’, ‘go after new sources of income,’ ‘complete hours of online marketing classes,’ ‘discover meaning of life’, etc (okay, maybe not exactly that last one…)
  • I felt like my days off were passing me by and I kept getting sucked into Google and Facebook vortexes (ahh, this STILL upsets me now, haha..)

But when I called Jane and just talked on and on (even when it was repetitive), I started to feel better. I calmed down a bit.

Even though none of the things on my crazy to do list had gotten done while I was talking, and Jane had heard it all before, it just helped to talk.

And it helped to have someone just listening. Happily. Patiently. Again. And again. And again.

Thank you, Jane.

Do you have friends like that? Or maybe a family member? A coworker? Or even a therapist?

I try hard to be that kind of friend. Because I really think it’s everything to be heard when you’re feeling anxious..or even when you just want to talk about nothing. Even if- ESPECIALLY IF- you feel like you’re being repetitive. Or ridiculous.

There are going to be those crazy weird days, even if most days are good…even if you’re a spiritual, flow of love optimist. It’s the way of the world!

So phone a friend when it happens. Talk it out. It may actually make your day better.

  • This is probably not the phone you'd want to use, though.
    This is probably not the phone you’d want to use, though.

Finally…an all-natural deodorant that works!

January 6, 2015 By in Health and Wellness Tags: , , , , , 1 Comment

I used to eat a lot of junk food. In high school, I remember eating greasy pizza for lunch and then having a “snack” of a McDonald’s burger and fries. My desire to change my eating habits stemmed from a superficial goal of wanting to lose weight. But as I ate better, I discovered I felt better and the habit was re-inforced. Now that I’m a much healthier eater, I’m trying to tackle other areas of my health.

On my journey to live healthier and happier in my thirties, I’ve decided that I’m going to try to use all-natural products, products that don’t contain those dreaded parabens and toxic chemicals. Too often I forget that our skin is our largest organ, and absorbs those products we slather on ourselves.

I won’t replace all my products at once, because I am grad student after all. I’m simply starting by switching each product out for an all-natural one once I’ve used up my old drug store brand. My first product swap: deodorant. From what I’ve read, this is perhaps one of the most toxic of all the beauty products out there. This is mainly for two reasons: 1) Most deodorants contain aluminum that has been linked to various diseases and 2) Your underarm skin is incredibly sensitive and nearly 100% of what you put on this area is absorbed into your blood stream.

Over the years, I’ve tried lots of different all-natural deodorants – from Tom’s of Maine to that weird crystal stick. None of them worked for me; the scent always ended up fading away and leaving me with an au natural fragrance that I wasn’t too thrilled with. But I can finally say that I’ve found one that works.

I saw this new product by a brand called Refyll in a market near my house in LA, and something about the display drew me in. Perhaps it was the ads with store testimonials that said “This actually works!” I also asked the cashier what she thought, and she backed the ad up, “It actually works!” I also love the scents, they smell earthy and vaguely masculine.

deodorant

It was $12.50, and yes, perhaps that’s a bit indulgent for deodorant, I’m hoping it lasts at least two months  and I love knowing exactly what is going into my body. (And just so you know, this is not a sponsored post.)

Am I Liable if I Marry Into Debt?

January 5, 2015 By in Money, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 20 Comments

The other day a friend of mine and I were having dinner and she was discussing buying a house with her boyfriend. They’d been together for some time and were hoping to get married within the next few years.

“I’m wondering though,” she said, “if I’ll take on his debt when I marry him. ”

For the last two or three years, the number of people I know who are engaged, about to be engaged, or married has skyrocketed. This definitely corresponds with the thirties- many people hitting their thirties are (possibly) beginning to settle down and find others they want to be with for the rest of their lives. Not everyone, of course, but it’s definitely been a trend.

Which is why I was surprised that I didn’t know the answer- I felt like I’d researched this before, and the answer was no, but I couldn’t be positive. I actually forgot to look up the answer that night and then today Suze Orman just happened to bring it up on her podcast.

For anyone about to be married and wondering about it, the answer is:  NO, YOU WILL NOT LEGALLY INCUR ANY OF YOUR SPOUSE’S DEBT FROM BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED. (Big sigh of relief!!) If your spouse incurred debt BEFORE you got married, it’s his or her debt ALONE. Of course, you can help with the debt, and some would say that once you’re married you share everything, including debt. But LEGALLY, debt incurred by one spouse before a marriage doesn’t touch the other one. No one is going to come after you for your spouse’s debt, and if they do they are JUST TRYING TO SCARE YOU. 

To avoid all the clarification questions Suze Orman (and all the finance websites I’ve been to) get all the time, I will clarify up front: the debt you’re NOT liable for includes EVERYTHING before marriage. It includes student loan debt, credit card debt, auto loan debt, tax debt, bank loans, EVERYTHING. You’re legally liable for NONE OF IT.

HOWEVER, debt incurred AFTER you get married is totally different. If you get married and your spouse suddenly gets into a lot of debt, that debt will be legally yours too IF you live in what are known as “Community Property States.”

Community-property states include Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, Wisconsin and the territory of Puerto Rico. Alaska also allows married couples to opt in to community-property status. Most people do not :p

If you’re NOT in any of these states, you’re in what’s known as a Common Law state. This means that in general if your spouse gets into debt, you’re not legally responsible. There are exceptions here such as if you open a joint account together and that account goes into collections (obviously, because now BOTH your names are on the account.)

Hope this solves things for any of you newly marrieds or almost-newlyweds! If any of our Canadian, UK, and other international readers would like to weigh in on the policy in your country, I’d love to learn about that (and I’m sure others would too!)

Sorry if this wasn’t the most fun topic ever, but it’s an important one as we head through the thirties. Here’s some funny photos of a flash mob I did once to lighten the mood, haha:

There were 50 of us dressed as brides and we stormed Times Square and took a lot of people by surprise.

There were 50 of us dressed as brides and we stormed Times Square and took a lot of people by surprise.

We were promoting a pretty terrible movie called "The Big Wedding." ;)

We were promoting a pretty terrible movie called “The Big Wedding.” 😉

 

Below are some links for even more details about marriage and debt:

The Simple Dollar: http://www.thesimpledollar.com/financial-infidelity-4-steps-for-healing-marriages-torn-by-finances/

Bankrate- http://www.bankrate.com/finance/debt/wife-not-married-to-spouse-s-old-debts-1.aspx#ixzz3Nzez1PNj

Nolo- http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/debt-marriage-owe-spouse-debts-29572.html

Lifehacker- http://twocents.lifehacker.com/how-to-protect-your-credit-when-you-marry-into-debt-1576458795

 

 

 

Growing Up and Aging Anxiety

January 3, 2015 By in Career, Health and Wellness Tags: , 12 Comments

I’m not ashamed to admit that my favorite magazines are Real Simple and O Magazine.  They’re inspiring and have good recipes and life hacking/efficiency ideas to boot. (Am I a middle aged woman at heart? Perhaps.) While I miss the days of Jane and Sassy, most “women’s” magazines now kind of suck. Instead of creating content for the readers, the writers in beauty editorial seem to work for the PR departments of major beauty brands who push them to advertise their products.

Anyway, I came across a quote I loved in January’s issue of O Magazine (the one with the very clearly photoshopped image of a lion and Oprah on the cover.) There’s a great article by writer Amy Maclin titled  “Educating Amy,” about her experiences with self-help seminars and programs. In the article she talks about the aging anxiety she experienced in her 40s. There was one line that deeply resonated with me. She writes,“I still hadn’t grown up, and yet I was growing old.” 

Have you ever felt that way? I have! I mean, I’m only 32, but I still feel at times like I’m either A) an insecure teenager, B) A wildly optimistic kid, C) an overly cerebral college junior, D) None of the above but clearly not a bonafide ‘adult.’

Maybe the answer to this aging anxiety is that we need to shift our ideas of what “growing up” means. Or maybe there’s really no such thing as “growing up” at all.

Have You Found Yourself Not Going Out Much After You Turned 30?

January 2, 2015 By in Friendships, Grab Bag, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , 23 Comments

It’s a funny thing- a day or two before New Years Eve, my roommates asked me if I was going to any kind of party or bar or would watch the ball drop on the big day and I was immediately just like ‘no.’

I didn’t feel at all bad about it. In fact, I didn’t feel one teeny weeny eentsy weentsy bit bad. I was actually relieved. I liked the idea of doing nothing on New Years Eve.

And both of them agreed. ‘No one seems to be doing anything for New Years,’ they said happily. They both had no particular plans- one of them was going to a friends house where they’d have some wine, but that was it. It was almost a gleeful realization- we don’t necessarily have to do anything for New Years and we’re still happy.

I actually ended up working a small but well-paying event on New Years Eve and then spending the rest of the night (the last 15 minutes of 2014) with my mom. We stayed in and watched the ball drop on tv. It was peaceful.

At first I thought it was a ‘being single on New Years Eve’ thing but that didn’t seem to be it at all. Many of my other friends who were in relationships or even married had a similar experience. ‘I stayed in. It was nice.’ was the most popular answer to the New Years Eve question.

And I wondered, ‘does this come with the territory of the 30s?’

For me, it doesn’t really have anything to do with the 30s. It started in my 20s. I’ve never been a huge clubber. I love house parties and chill bars, and can definitely throw back a few drinks, but even when I was 21, I was never a major partier. But perhaps it’s easier to admit that in the 30s.

Our awesome blogger friend Karen over at Confetti and Curves (she’s a sweetheart and has an incredible beauty blog) interviews other bloggers all the time with multiple questions- but my favorite is always: Describe your ideal Saturday night. The answers are just about always in favor of staying in, or going out but keeping things chill:

“At the ripe old age of 32, I’d rather spend the night in then go out. My Husband and I may just go to the bookstore and hang out, play video games, and order take out. I like to keep it low key since my weeks between school and work are so hectic.” -Jamie, http://www.sincerelymissdesign.com

“Casual dinner and a movie out (with a GIANT bucket of buttered popcorn), followed by relaxing on the couch with more TV. (I love TV, what can I say?)” –Amber, https://amberunglamor.wordpress.com/ (I love this answer!)

“Pyjamas + Duvet + My Boyfriend + Chinese takeaway = Perfect Night in.” -Amy, www.blondeamy.wordpress.com

“Takeaway, a great film & a bottle of Prosecco.” -Laura, www.littlelauras.com

“On an ideal Saturday night, the kids are getting along with each other and agree to help me clean up our messes before we all sit down and watch a movie together.” -Ashley, www.phytopretty.com

“A night in with food, comfort and a good conversation.” -Hajara, https://chocolatefrosst.wordpress.com

And the list goes on. It’s fascinating.

Sometimes I wonder- Is it just more acceptable now to stay in more often than go out? Are people just more comfortable admitting it when they’re older? Or does it just seem like a trend to me but actually isn’t one at all?

Are you guys going out less in your 30s? And are you happy about it? Or do you feel like you’re missing out?

Or are you out partying right this second and way too drunk to even read this post? It is Friday night, after all.

2013-12-31 23.49.25

Last year I actually did go to a party on New Years Eve with some coworkers in Indianapolis (we traveled there for work). After working all day, it ended up being lot of fun after all. For sure, staying in isn’t always the best answer 😉

Here’s to Consistently Improving in 2015!

January 1, 2015 By in Career, Health and Wellness Tags: , Leave a comment

Happy New Year! I hope your first day of 2015 felt like the start to an auspicious year. Today I relaxed with my dude and watched some of my favorite TV shows, worked a bit on some projects, and also fit in a hike in Rustic Canyon here in LA. This was where, after huffing and puffing my way up a series of stairs, I discovered that I am ridiculously unfit and clearly need to add cardio to my New Year’s resolutions.

Whatever your personal hopes for the New Year may be, I want you to go easy on yourself. Big changes happen with tiny steps. I believe that we undervalue tiny changes. When we see people transform their lives on shows like The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover, the transformations happen in these huge “all or nothing” ways. We’re bombarded with the message that if our life changes aren’t big and sweeping, then they aren’t going to be effective.

But that’s a crock of sh**! Even five minutes a day of a new habit adds up. I became a writer through 20 minutes of writing a day. Years ago, I remember telling Laura I was going to devote myself to 20 minutes a day of putting words on a page. I did it. And honestly, I got a TON DONE. Way more than I ever thought. That’s how I wrote my first major play.

Now I write a lot more than that, but even more important – I write nearly every day. Whether it’s more outlining than actual writing, I’m usually at work on some project. Even writing for this blog counts. But it all began with 20 minutes a day.

And even 20 minutes can be a lot. So why not start with 5 minutes a day of whatever it is you want to accomplish? Establishing a new habit is very much about creating mental (or actual physical) muscle memory. It’s also about consistency. Doing something everyday is way more important than doing it intensively once in a awhile.

So here’s to tiny changes! Or, as Richard Dreyfuss’ character says in the comedy classic “What About Bob,” Baby Steps...